Vote!

I've seen a few movies recently. Case 39 was blah but Jodelle Ferland gave a good performance - it'll be interesting to see how she matures as an actress or whether playing creepy little girls is all she's good at. Let Me In was excellent - and the vampires didn't sparkle in the sunlight *shakes fist*. The Social Network was good. Skip Case 39 unless you're really bored, Social Network is good for killing time, and Let Me In might actually make you think.

I haven't been up to much lately and nothing in the news has put me in a ranting mood. I'm not saying the news has been free of frustrating hypocrisy and slanting. There just hasn't been enough BS to generate more than a sad headshake.

I'm not sure how ya'll are feeling but I'm excited about voting this November. Even if my candidates lose, I'm looking forward to having my vote tallied. Liberal or Conservative, VOTE. Part of the reason Washington D.C. has been ignoring the will of the people is because they can sense our apathy and they see an opportunity to do what benefits them. Republicans and Democrats are both guilty of serving themselves before doing their jobs.

Don't vote along partisan lines unless you feel like you've actually been represented. The Republicans lost big in 2006 and 2008 because their base no longer felt like they gave a damn. The Dems promised a lot of things in '06 and '08 - do you feel like they lived up to those promises? Hold your representatives accountable or they will take the power you give them and do what comes naturally - self-service.

You don't have an excuse for complaining if you don't vote. When you don't vote, you send a message that you don't care what politicians do. When you vote, you are put on record as supporting this or opposing that. If they ignore you, you have a legitimate grievance. The Founding Fathers didn't revolt the first time things didn't go their way. The asked for representation and tried to diplomatically settle things with England. In the same way, we must first try to settle things at the ballot box.

And they'll ignore us at their own peril.

6 Things I'd rather die of than cancer

I need to think of something funny. My grandmother and grandaunt aren't doing well. Short of a miracle, Aunt Francis has less than a month. In defense of Death, she was a heavy, heavy smoker most of her 87 years of life...and 87 years is a lot of time to be alive even without smoking. In defense of both of my family members, FUCK CANCER. If I ever end up with cancer I plan on dying spectacularly in a non-cancer related way just to spite cancer. And I'm the type who'd cut off his nose to spite his face so cancer is in for a major disappointment if it doesn't step aside for the leading cause of death in my family - heart attacks!

Heart attacks fit my family's outlook on life. We work hard, play hard by working harder, and we plan on dying hard. Cancer is far too slow - it's wasting our time. Either kill us or get out of the way so we can get back to work. And who has time to die anyway? Dead people are so lazy! Lying around, not producing anything, it's like...(insert racist joke here)! How about you crawl out of that grave and get off of welfare, ya dead-peeps! It's no wonder the dead overwhelming vote Democrat.

OOOOOOOH SNAP!

And now I present 6 Things That I'd Rather Die of Than Cancer Because Cancer Can Suck It ("It" being whatever cancer finds most disturbing at the moment)!

1. Cuteness. There are many things that are so insanely cute that you die inside and then are resurrected in a newer, better form made of happiness, hugs, and unicorn farts made of fairy giggles. Unicorns really need to cut down on eating fairies...that or chew so the fairies don't build cities in their digestive tracts. Little known fact: fairies are the intestinal worms of parazoology.

2. Epic battle. Nothing stirs the souls of men quite like weaponry and having a lot of things to hit with it. I want to die on top of a pile of zombies surrounded by a moat of liquified goblin. I will, of course, have a few moments to inspire tears with an dying speech. AVENGE MY VIRGIN DEATH.

3. Chuck Norris. The quickest way to a man's heart is Chuck Norris' fist. I'd use his tears to cure my cancer but he never cries - not even after my dying speech. He mostly laughed about the virgin part. In his defense, he was reminded of another joke about him: Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Island; now they're just the Islands. I'm going to die by punch...line.

BAM

4. Nuclear Explosion. I've always dreamt of being vaporized by a nuclear explosion. No, seriously - I dream about it all the time. I dream about it so often that you should probably move out of the Chicagoland area because it's probably a prophecy.

You can't say I didn't warn you.

5. Chocolate. Now you might be saying "that's so lame" but hear me out. I want to be run through with a spear made of chocolate after being shot full of chocolate arrows. As chocolate and blood fill my lungs, I will cough up my newly caramel center and then be thrown into pit of spikes made...wait for it...more chocolate! I bet you thought I'd think of something inventive! That pit will then be filled with molten chocolate and topped with a fresh cherry. WHY MUST YOU MOCK MY VIRGINITY, FATE?!

6. Force-lightninged to death by the current Pope. This might seem like a slam on the Pope or an assisted suicide but neither is true. Being blessed with the ability to draw cancer and/or demons out of people and into myself, I travel the world playing the most f'd up game of Pokemon EVER. Unfortunately, with that much badass and monstrous contained in one body, I soon become an abomination and the Pope is forced to "kick the stupid out" of me - his words, not mine. The meme born of this battle will be popular for approximately three months at which point it will die only to rise again for the sake of poorly disguised reference.

20 Signs that you're a villain

I'm avoiding a paper right now. It's only five pages long but it's not on an interesting topic and I haven't been left the freedom to play with it - which is to say I'm about to BS five pages just to get it over with. I have nothing to say about this subject. The subject, you ask? What are the "obvious" solutions to the problems your organization is facing. Seeing as I don't have a job, I have to BS this paper at least a tad to begin with. To get around the "no organization to evaluate" problem I'm looking at the field of Psychology.

Moving past my whining, I've decided Obama can't be a supervillain like Hitler and Stalin. My reasoning? He doesn't have a mustache. You can't be a proper dictator without a mustache. Ackmydinnerjon has a beard-mustache combo, Saddam had a mustache, and Snidely Whiplash as well - see the pattern? The evil twin always has a mustache as well. Obama has no mustache so I declare him incompetent, not villainous.

It should be noted that the Imam supporting the New York mosque and the Qu'ran threating pastor both have facial hair. Coincidence? I think not!

If you have facial hair and are worried you're a villain, here are some questions you should ask yourself.

1. Do you have a clean-shaven twin? If you answered "yes", you are a villain.

2. Complete this sentence: All ________ should be killed. If you answered "Jews", then you're a villain.

3. Have you tied a woman to anything besides a bed? If you answered "yes", you're a villain. If you answered "Just the bed," you kinky bastard! High-five!

4. Do you curl your mustache around your finger while laughing about your daily activities? If you answered "yes", you're a villain. If you answered "Yes, but I don't have a mustache to twirl so I just spin my finger", you're either me or insane - which is sort of redundant.

5. Do you think Insane Clown Posse is awesome? If you answered "yes" then you're a moron who is entertained by the jingling of keys and thinks magnets are the product of wizardry.

6. Do you play Halo online? If you answered "yes", you're probably just a douchebag. Stop popping your collar - nobody but your idiot friends think it's cool.

7. Do you own a cat? If "yes", do you stroke that cat often and refuse to have anything above your shoulders photographed? If you answered "yes", you're either very self-conscious or a villain - it's about 50/50.

8. Do you have facial scars or a physical deformity? If "yes," you're probably a villain - hot people are either a) on the side of good (the side in form-fitting tights, rawr) or b) only evil enough to be a bad boy/girl who can be sexed into redemption by the side of good (black uniform of some sort; badass for males, bodice for females).

WORDPLAY BONUS

9. Have you kicked an orphan today? If "yes", and that orphan wasn't you or your toady, you are a villain.

10. Did you kick your toady? Cuz toadies are a villain thing.

11. Is your home full of traps that should conceivably kill you whenever you get drunk? You're either a horder or a villain - if there's fire you're probably a horder; if there's a spike-trap and skeletal remains...you might still be a horder. Sharks with lasers are definately a villain thing...well, aquatic monsters of any type counter, laser or now.

12. Do you own a laser? Is it weapons grade? If you answer "yes" to both, you're either a scientist, a villain, or a villainous scientist. If you've aimed your laser at the crotch of an attractive person you're a villain.

13. Does your typical date involve kidnapping and the death of your date's previous significant other? You're either a ingenious rebound dater or a villain. If the dinner date involves having her slip into something skimpy and sitting at opposite ends of a very long table, you're probably a villain. Probably...rebound daters can be kind of predatory - KILL THE WEAK! I mean, date them...is that any better? I'm thinking not...

14. Do your prefer your dates underage and virginal, possibly in skirts? Then you're either a pervert or a villain - not always mutually exclusive.

15. Do you have a nuclear, biological, or chemical weapon capable of killing  thousands? You're either a villain or any number of leaders guiding world powers - check for a mustache/beard.

16. Are you ambiguously gay? You're either a drama major or a villain - check for mustaches. If you giggled at that suggestion you're a drama major. If you shot the first person you saw without a mustache, you're a villain. If you drew his naked corpse, you're Stalin. If you made a joke about how skinny the corpse is, you're probably Hitler. If you sucked your thumb, you're still Hitler. If you complained about Glenn Beck, you're Obama - and due to your lack of mustache you're not a villain, just a whiney bitch.

17. Are you fond of killing children? If you answered "yes" and you don't work in a public school, you're probably a villain.

18. How many statues of you are erected in public squares? If you answered "more than one" then you're a villain. If you answered "one" then you've likely done nothing worthy of such an honor but in the West we worship or pretty people and athletes. Scientists and war heroes are icky.

19. Coke or Pepsi? If you answered "Pepsi", I hate you. You...you...sugary so and so! When the battle lines are drawn I'll happily skewer you in a Coke-fueled frenzy! Your cola isn't even tied to an illegal narcotic - you...suck! Yarg! Hitler drank Pepsi out of Stalin's moobs and every can contains the soul of an orphan and a dead kitten!

20. Are you Jewish? If you answered "yes", you are the villain the villains believe are destroying the world. Maybe the world of comedy or my ears if you're from New York, but otherwise, LOLZ. Well, Steven Spielberg did rape Indian Jones...and he has facial hair...he also took guns out of cops' hands so illegal aliens could abscond with young boys. I'll give them that one.

Sure, only 18 of those questions related to villainy but following a list strictly is totally a villain thing to do. Are we in range of the planet yet? No? Well drive around. Of course we can't just blast the planet that's in the way! Our plan has to be unwieldy and rigid like our worthless armors. What kind of villain lacks principle? Hrumph!

6 Reasons Christians will never take over anything

I have two headaches - one is physical and the other one is mental. I've been doing a lot of face-palming lately because the internet is filled with fail. I'm reminded of an argument I had on Facebook with a fellow who believed that Abraham Lincoln was an evil tyrant who started the Civil War. After crying for a while (on the inside), I explained to him why his college history professor should be fired and then fed to wild dogs. It took me several convos to undo all the damage that idiot professor did and each of them was a fight.

My current face-palm involves the idea that Christians are trying to take over America...sorry, I had to pinch the bridge of my nose while wincing for a moment. This idea is utter nonsense. Here are some reasons in nice, digestable servings.

1. Christians have a hard time agreeing on anything. If you actually bother to go to church, you will often here jokes about arguments over communion cups, how to say the Lord's Prayer properly, and other things that are silly beyond belief. We can't agree on the freaking communion cups and you think we're going to take over America? Moving to actual reasons for disagreement, there are some Christians who question the deity and/or importance of Jesus Christ - which is to say they aren't Christians by any sense because Christianity requires Christ.

2. Christians can't agree on anything (part II!). Christians will never establish a theocracy in America because they can't agree on what right doctrine is. Besides the whole "Catholic vs. Protestant" divide you've also got the "Protestant vs. Protestant vs. Protestant..." divide - which one becomes the ruling body of America? People will LEAVE their church over small dogmatic differences (including not liking the music) and yet we're supposedly uniting to subjugate all non-Christians? Sure, and kittens are secretly plotting to kill all the puppies for stealing their squee (cuteness, for those of you who don't speak "interwebz").

3. Christians left Europe to get away from being told how to worship. Only liberals believe they can take a failed system and create something better with it. OH SNAP. We created something new and we'd like to keep it - hence or dismay when politicians and judges describe the Constitution as an out of date or out of touch document.

4. Christians, if they have half a brain, HATE large governments. The bigger the government, the more crap it can (and will) control. Conservatives HATE large governments for the same reason - and the taxes.

5. Theocracies are expensive and Christians enjoy keeping their wages. What is the #1 issue on most American minds? If you answered "The economy, stupid" then you're correct! It's been a while since God rained mana down from heaven so even we, His chosen people, have to work for a living. And it's really hard to make a living these days. Big government, big spending, and high taxes - do any of these sound like Christian moral issue?

6. It's a democratic system - you vote for what you believe in. Christians aren't trying to take over the country, they're simply exercising their right to vote. The reason they vote for other Christians (typically) is because they share common beliefs - small government, low taxes, and the protection of various freedoms. They're not doing anything evil or conspiritorial, they're simply doing the same thing every other person in the United States does - vote for the guy/gal they think will support their beliefs.

So for those of you worried about Christians taking over things...STOP IT. Obama, Pelosi, and Reed will combine their power to form Captain Planet before even 1% of Christians would support a theocracy. And speaking on behalf of Christians everywhere, we will kick that 1% in the balls/ovaries until the stupid falls out of their ears.

And honestly, you're afraid of Christians but not of Muslims? Your logic has holes Jihadis could fly planes full of screaming victims through. When Christians started wearing explosive vests to church, the market, or hospitals then we'll revisit this issue. Till then, I will continue to face-palm as I witness your fail.

6 Ideas that drive me insane

There are times when people say or write things that simply boggle my mind...here are 6 of them. Originally there were more but this post got a little long at the Crusades...I LOVE HISTORY.

1. Religion is the cause of all the world's evils. This one makes me roll my eyes because it requires a gross ignorance of human history and of human nature. The vast majority of wars were fought over politics, power, and pissing off the wrong people. PEOPLE are the cause of the world's evils. Or to put it another way, a few assholes like to stir the pot and ruin life for the rest of us. They'll use any means necessary to attain their goals and if playing religious will get them there then that's what they'll do.

2. Gun Control reduces violence. Gun Control doesn't lower violence or even gun violence. The previously mentioned assholes will get weapons illegally. They don't care about laws and their character is such that they will be violent with blades if not bullets or fists if nothing else is available. 

3. Conservatives are racist. PEOPLE are racist. You will find people in the Left and Right wing who are racist and from my experience, it is the LEFT which is the most racist. They treat minorities like retarded children who have to be looked after and they hand them "candy" for votes. They also treat whites as the bogeymen of history and unless a particular white person hates his/her heritage and regrets every sin any white person ever committed then they're a racist.

4. Conservatives want to establish a theocracy. This nation was established by conservatives. The rights they bequeathed to us were born from a distaste for the STATE governing the CHURCH. Being part of the wrong church in England sent up red flags to the authorities. You were a rebel or worse - a Papist. The Church is largely the fall-guy for the State. Religion was used as a cudgel by assholes who wanted to maintain their power. There is just as much danger that we will establish a secular theocracy that hates the religious for not bowing to the State.

Gee, where have we seen that before? Besides the near constant bashing of conservatives and Christians here in America you also see that in a) the Nazis and b) the Communists (China and the USSR being especially bad). I'm not saying we're as bad as they but merely saying we have the seedlings of the same species of tree.

5. Christians are dangerous. PEOPLE are dangerous. You'll find that when assholes burn the Bible there aren't riots, bombings, and multinational protests. We certainly aren't happy that someone is burning a book we consider holy but we recognize that a) it can easily be replaced, b) killing people for burning the Bible isn't what Jesus would do, and c) the Word of God is eternal and will not pass from the face of the Earth until every word has been fulfilled.

6. The Crusades are proof that Christians are just as blood thirsty as Muslims. Wrong, wrong, wrong. While the Turks were certainly militant and certainly Muslim about it, they were invaders at heart so their take on Islam would naturally slant towards violence. Similarly, when Rome was conquered by barbarians they noticed that all the smart people they hadn't killed were Christian. Because those Christians knew how to make the toilets flush (that's a joke, not a historical fact), the barbarians put them in positions of power. Their Christianity wasn't the draw, their education was.

Fast forward to the Crusades and you've got barbarians who've mixed their "hit it with an axe" mentality with Christianity's "Jesus loves you" which created "Jesus loves you when you hit people who don't love Jesus with your axe" - and that was only PART of the populace. Naturally, the part that was raised from the age of six to kill things.

The Turks invade CHRISTIAN LANDS that had been CHRISTIAN FOR CENTURIES and the Western Church collectively shrugged - they were kind of busy hitting each other with axes. The Byzantine Emperor, not enjoying the ass-kicking he was receiving from the Turks, sends a letter to the Pope requesting a few hundred Norman Knights. Norman Knights were the Medieval equivalent of a giant tank made out of Navy SEALS.

The Pope, tired of seeing Christian Knights killing Christian Knights, figures that Christian Knights killing Muslim Turks has to be at least a little less evil and/or retarded so he declares a Crusade and promises that anyone who takes up the Cross will receive salvation. Not exactly Biblical but the Feudal lords seemed stoked about it so he figured "why not?"

There were three kinds of people who went on the Crusades - people who wanted to make money, people who just wanted to kill something, and people who genuinely believed their salvation was being earned. For Medieval knights there was a serious question of whether they could be saved as their job consisted of bashing other people's skulls in. The idea that they could be saved through the only skill they had was vastly appealing.

Meanwhile, the Turks just wanted to hold onto all the nice land they'd conquered. Islam hadn't taken a hold in the region beyond its conquering force - the populace was till Jewish, Christian, and Other. Anyone Christians etc not accidently mistaken for Muslims and slaughtered by the Crusaders were cracked down on by the Muslims who were worried about Christian insurrections.

So the peasants pretty much got screwed coming and going - which repeats over and over again in human history regardless of what the impetus for war originally was.

So please STFU about Christians attempting to force religion on others and militant Muslims just doing what Christians did a thousand years ago. a) stupidity doesn't justify further stupidity and b) Islam has been spread by the sword since it earliest days - which is mostly to say there's always been some guy with a sword who thinks Islam is the bomb...teehee.