February 29, 2008

• Will I go to hell for this?

  My name is Mr. Tinklesworth and I am a goat. JJ has been kind enough to give me this post to express my deep concern over the number of goats getting sexed by your populace. He has also been kind enough to type what I’m dictating, seeing as my hoofs did this adfj;a8wth4h4rjfa,mnkaderg[984r984r and when I get flustered I begin bleating instead of talking - not very gentlemanly, I must say.

  Nothing gets my little goaty beard in a knot like hearing that my cousin has been violated by some bugger without the common courtesy of an expensive dinner and some coffee. Just the other day I was chatting with my brother George McDimdu Tinklesworth and he related the story of how our 90th cousin thrice removed was assaulted by some drunk fool who didn't even bother to check if he was assaulting a female goat. Apparently the foolish males of your species have given up even trying to impress any species before attempting to copulate.

  This must stop. Do any of you remember satyrs - those guys were dicks. They run around with the nymphs like they don't have rent to pay that month, they never bathe, and they don't wear pants! I'm a goat with a bloody monocle and THEY can't be expected to wear pants - preposterous! I'd eat just about anything to get some bloody pants on. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep up appearances when your butt is hanging out for everyone to see? Quite difficult, quite difficult indeed!

  All the Goats of America wants are pants and for your men to stay out of them - goat suffrage. Goats are vital to your economy - because we had the hamsters set us up the bomb. Think I'm joking? I'll be sipping tea while I watch your burning houses ride mushroom clouds straight to a meeting with God - and do you think He'll be happy that you've been violating goats? Do you see what I'm saying? And the Rottweilers aren't terribly happy about their lack of pants either. We animals are breaking our silence - no more. We will have pants and we will have fancy chastity belts with cute little holes for our tales. Don't make us nuke you - I'm pretty sure God still isn't happy.

  Aaaaaand so ends the dictation of Mr. Tinklesworth - he became terribly distracted by that can of feed I just threw at him. But I have to agree with him - what the hell? Rape, incest, necrophilia, AND goat-sex? Do I need to get my flamethrower out? Don't make me get my flamethrower out, young men. I'm crazy - I'll torch all you fools. And Mr. Tinklesworth was right about at least one thing - God isn't happy with you. Do you really want me to hose you down with napalm and then meet a frowning God who'll send you to hell (more for the whole "I don't believe in your Son" bit than anything but...I'm focussing on Him being pissed and the whole burning theme)?

  Let's do the math on this, shall we? You + Goat + Sex = pissed off me. Pissed off me + you = dead. You dead from goat sex - a belief in Jesus (which probably would have prevented the goat-sex, just saying [Disclaimer: hasn't helped all little boys]) = hell. Hell = dancing. Dancing = Pregnancy. Pregnancy = OH NOZ!!! Or Not rawr rawr. Do you see my logic – it is flawless. If my logic were a woman you’d never approach her because you’d just assume you had no chance leaving her lonely and questioning her looks and value because nobody seems interested in even just her looks. Did I just wander off topic again? Nope! Cuz like my logic, you end up getting her too which would result in misery because you’d affirm her just enough for her to think she could do better – and she’d choose a loser and the sheer weight of your combined misery would collapse in on you like a dying star!

  My mind is like a laser. And don’t you ever dare dream of a world where I wouldn’t gladly cut the legs out from under you if you approach the “OH NOZ!!!” zone – I’m saving your life. Just like the movie Saving Private Ryan, I land on a beach full of Nazis (in your [speaking to the goat-sexer] case it’s full of your own stupid) and I decimate said forces with futuristic lasers and my psychic-ku-whatsit powers. I then proceed to kick ass and chew bubble gum (and I brought like EIGHTY packs – animals sex is at LEAST at sixty pack ass-kicking) until I find your scrawny, stupid, goat-sexing hide and pull you BACK BEHIND HUMAN LINES YOU ANIMAL RAPING MORAL AND MENTAL RETARD. I can and will yell at you like a drill sergeant, you pink-tutu wearing, bastard born of a broken condom and God’s strange sense of love and humor. DISMISSED.

  No, not you, dear readers, just Mr. Kiwi Fruit the Goat-Sexer. I’ve got more madness in store for you – much more. I am currently polishing my beloved Mr. McBurnsalot in the hopes that he will remain shiny but prepared for instant action. I am hopeful that sex with animals will never be kosher before I’m crushed to death by that falling school bus. But if I survive to see WWMS (World War Manimal Sex) I will be prepared. Even if I have to fry teenagers from the comfort of my rocking chair I’ll answer the call to immolate anyone dumb enough to attempt humping Mr. Bait my aptly named cat. I’ve also taken into account that my eyesight might not be very good as 80+ – Mr. Bait is sitting on a bear trap and I’ve got the spray on my nozzle set to “foom” rather than “froof.”

  Damn kids – always on my lawn humpin my cat! Back in my day we had to work for sex…why, I walked 80 miles in the snow, dropped $200 on a fancy dinner, and all I got was a kiss on the cheek! Kids today…spoiled! That’s what they are – spoiled rotten! In my day if you got shotdown for prom you didn’t take your pet dog! In my day you didn’t learn about the birds and the bees from your turtle Mr. Shiny. Granted, Mr. Shiny has a doctorate in medicine but in my day turtles didn’t earn damned doctoral degrees and people had sex with people! Oh dammit – I think I broke my hip ranting again…

  Dag gummit…where’d that woman get to…WOMAN! Why ain’t responding to the sound of my bones snappin like twigs like the time when your daddy found out we were datin? What’s that, Mr. Bait? My wife’s been dead a decade…well I’ll be buggered…*pumps shotgun and fires at teens* THAT WASN’T AN INVITATION. Bloody savages…in my day if you wanted to bugger someone you had to join the Navy or the priesthood. SNAP.

  EDIT: Son of a BITCH – how many of you have heard about that guy in Oklahoma that killed a girl because he fantasized about cannibalism? Well that’s not really what I’m whining about, although that is indeed tragic, but I’m focussing on the last sentence (or two) of the report where they mention he was on antidepressants and insinuate that’s the reason he did this. Any psych meds can have a bad reaction but those tend to be SNAP and crazy go nuts. And those are RARE cases. I’ll also add that if you’re on any medication and you start to feel nuts there’s a high probability that if you were sane to begin with you’d see your doctor and discontinue your pills.

  Case and point – I had a serious reaction to my first set of antidepressants (which I’m taking for a stomach ailment – joy) which involved panic attacks, thoughts of suicide, and downright crazy thoughts (I had a headache and I thought I might releave the pressure by taking the sharpest knife in our kitchen and sliding it across the top of my head – then I remembered that I had a skull and that plan was scrapped). My reaction was rare – most people just get constipated or lose interest in sex. To say I happily stopped those pills and started a different mixture (which has worked marvelously for two years) would be an understatement.

  The media is looking for something to blame for humans doing crap to each other. Let me put this in words they might understand – derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Maybe they should consider human history – people treat each other like shit. How recent are our drug concoctions? Rapists, murderers, and other scum are just that – scum. They look out for #1 and take a wild guess who that is? My definition of illness, insanity, and “being dangerous” is no longer caring that you’re hurting/going to hurt people. My definition of insanity and stupidity revolves around making excuses for people who clearly ceased to give a damn about anyone – I’m looking at you, news media. Sick-to-death of people blaming everything but the criminal for criminal behavior.

  • 10:47 pm
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