June 1, 2010

• Film Critique with lasers - pew pew

  Ever notice how in movies about infections making people into zombies or psychos blood rarely transmits the infection? Drives me nuts. If they can bite and infect you then their blood is probably a very bad thing. Shoot, it isn't the best idea to get sprayed in the eyes or mouth with someone's blood WITHOUT a zombie apocalypse going on but somehow these mouth-breathers don't protect their eyes, noses, or mouths from getting gore shot into them. Forget the zombie-virus for a second - what if that zombie you just blew into a red mist had AIDS? Let's take a chainsaw to all his friends - maybe we can collect diseases like Pokemon! I'Z GOTZ TO CATCH THEM ALL!!!

  Vampires - Ann Rice made them ambiguously gay, Twilight made them into sparkling sissies who might as well not be vampires. "I don't want to eat food anymore" Strong Sad once whined. If Strong Sad hadn't beaten Stephenie Meyer to it she'd probably have made Edward say that - because he's a wuss. "Vampire Anorexic seeks Stupid Girl who is too young to realize he's a pedophile and a mopey sissy. Must enjoy sparkling and tortured lip-biting."

  Werewolves - the only thing "wolfish" they're doing is humping your teenage daughters. Like the vampire, their curse has become a bonus for shagging girls with a bad-boy fetish - it's kind of like a foreign accent and a five-o-clock shadow. Werewolves have transformed from cursed killers to that older guy fathers are always telling their daughters to avoid because he's just going to impregnate them and then leave the country.

  Military Cover-up movies - the gubbermint is teh evils! It's always the same stupid plot and 99% of the time it takes a shot at Conservatives and the paints the military as mindless, trigger-happy goons. Yay for perpetuating stereotypes! Especially ones that are 99% baseless!

  fyi, our "cracker asses" keep your country safe from zombies, terrorists, and ACTUAL Nazis, jackass.

  In closing, the film "Mad" (I think that's the title...) is a funny parody of zombie flicks.

  • 9:14 pm
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