February 23, 2008

  • Dead

    Xanga seems rather...quiet...this weekend. This is somewhat unfortunate seeing as I have little to do other than surf the internet until noon Sunday. As of noon tomorrow I'll get my jollies doing homework and writing papers...how exciting. I will be terribly busy over the next two weeks with such wonderful pursuits as internship hunting, midterm completion, and whatever else life throws my way. Overall not a terrible two weeks but it will involve a lot of footwork and that's about as interesting as a convent bikini contest. Just about every scenario I'm picturing for "convent bikini contest" either involves me snoring through wrists and ankles being shown off or me screaming in horror as octogenarians show ample amounts of sagging skin. Excitement to the max.

    How many of you are familiar with the X-Men? Today I was driving around and I decided that the best use for Nightcrawler's teleportation power is to enter the cars of people using cell-phones, grab their phone from their stupid, stupid hands, and then bash the phone against their dashboard while screaming "get-off-your-phone-you-stupid-bastard-people-are-trying-to-drive-and-you're-freaking-twenty-under-the-speed-limit-I-hate-you-so-f'n-much-I-should-teleport-your-worthless-head-into-your-ass-where-it-belongs!" Each and every word of that rant would correspond with the cell-phone being smashed into the dash. And then I'd promptly return to my car before it could go careening off the road or into something. What are the odds those people are actually engaged in a conversation worthy of disrupting the flow of traffic and endangering themselves and others?

    I DON'T HAVE ANGER ISSUES!!! HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE THAT I HAVE PROBLEMS? Kidding - partly. I would be very fond of taking a job as an avenger of blood. And let's not stop with murder, let's extend my powers all the way to such offenses as littering or listening to Hanson (BURN). This is what I'm picturing, stick with me - I swear it'll be fun. Let's start with a serious vision first - gang of guys chasing down some unlucky woman. They think they've got her cornered and they think right - by all accounts she's screwed. The camera (vision?) jumps to my office, feet atop the desk as is proper for the bored worker, and my red phones starts-a-ring'in.

    "Justice Hotlines." I'd say. "Justice One, we've got some morons in serious need of some justificated-ation-beating." the guy on the other end would reply. "That makes absolutely no sense - but I'm betting because it's the red phone ringing that I'm going to get to stomp some deserving-ass." I'd reply. "Bingo." he'd say and then I and about a dozen burly lumberjacks would teleport to the seen of the beating. The jerks would be surprised. The stomping would be quick to begin and very slow to end. After beating the stupid out of the jerks we'd thank the lady for acting as bait and quickly return to our fortress of justice for tea and cake - nothing parches the throat and empties the belly like a good ass-beating.

    Now for a minor offense - jaywalking. Some punk thinks he's above the law and crosses between crosswalks rather than complying with the law. Upon reaching the other side he will meet me (cleverly disguised as a mysterious and ancient Asian man). I will hand him a fortune cookie and then return to eating my rice. That wasn't a racist joke - I love rice you narrow-minded bigots! Upon opening the cookie his fortune will read "Ha - you are a sucker! Fortune cookie say: you are cursed to being blatantly honest with your girlfriend - when she asks about her butt you will say 'so fat I've already cheated on you.' Ohhhhh snap - justice!"

    I'm kidding about the second scenario but I'd really like to magically appear wherever people were being assholes and dish out their medicine - rapists, pedophiles, WBC members (if I screwed up and used the wrong initials just think of Fred Phelps and his lackeys), muggers, school-shooting wannabes, etc. It's very frustrating knowing that my power currently extends to only taking one potential ass out of the picture - namely me. I hear about and deal with people who've been hurt directly or indirectly by people acting like monsters toward each other. It's somewhat fascinating how many legends and movies portray monsters when humanity does a fine job of butchering itself - what need have we of monsters?

    Sad but true - an ounce of prevention really does equal a pound of cure. Imagine, if you will, people being blown up by landmines - not a pretty picture by any means. And let me remind you that landmines are most often designed to maim, not to kill, because an injury of that extent does three things to the opposing force. 1) It makes at least one soldier useless to his side. 2) It demoralizes his friends because there are bits of him everywhere and he's screaming a lot. 3) The force employing that downed soldier now has to try to keep him alive - loss of time and resources. My point is that landmines are used to mess people up but in many cases leave them living.

    So where am I going with this, now that I've splattered your imagination with gore? My future job is pretty much dealing with mental and emotional landmine-casualties. Sometimes I'll deal with lucky ones - some scars or replaceable parts. With others they'll never be the same - I can put that back in working order but there'll still be areas where function is totally lost (think crippled for life). Can I be blamed for wishing we had minesweepers out there? The bright side of mental and emotional injuries (bet you weren't seeing a bright side coming, eh?) is that there can be lessons learned from that pain that will make an individual stronger/better. They might have lost a leg but they grew an extra heart or...maybe they got freaking laser eyes, I dunno. But they're better for their experience.

    And I can speak from my own in saying that I've learned more from being blown up than getting back massages. The West is too quick to cure people of pain - we always assume it's bad. But pain offers lessons - even if that lesson is only "don't do that again - stupid."

    EDIT: when I went back in and spell-checked this post it tried to replace "X-Men" with "Semen" - awesome.

Comments (13)

  • Now I have a very amusing image of Nightcrawler. Ah man, imagine driving next to someone talking on the phone. "What's going on in that car?"

  • Pain is pleasure~ and how did your grandfather feel about you ogling his woman?

  • x-men with semen?? omg, that reminds me. the personnel manager at this one place i worked... her last name was lips... and she was in the navy at one time. yeah... seaman lips... how fucking hilarious.

  • reply to your burn: ouchie.  i need some ointment.

  • oh and btw, i almost guarantee i have worse road rage than you.  when i have people in my car, i try to tone it down, but when i drive alone and i am the most impatient potty mouth known to man.  no joke, my fave phrase is, "WHAT a fk'n A**hole!!!"  i can't help it, it just pops out! lol

  • I mostly get mad at people who don't just go, when driving, or even just sitting in the passenger seat. Because if people just drove, then there wouldn't be massive traffic back-ups over someone slowing down to turn, last-minute, into the lane because theirs ended. I've only seen that happen in Seattle, though.

    In Texas, if you don't do at least 75 in a 70, it feels like people are almost rear-ending you. :[ It's peer pressure into speeding! It's like the only thing we do fast, I think. Because I drive kind of fast, I guess, but I walk so incredibly slow. But it's very much okay. :]

    RYC: :( That's so sad. I thiiink, I might name it's first name Feivel, no matter if it's a girl or a boy, and I do believe it's a girl. It's middle name will be food!

  • My husband and I are long-term sufferers of driver's tourrettes. It's a little-known disease, but I hear the FDA is working on a drug for it. Though of course, if you have it, you can't get insurance to pay for the drug.

  • Yeah, good may come out of pain, but if I could avoid it, I would.  It fucking sucks.

  • I freakin' love X-men! I used to want to be a mischievious Cajun like Gambit and go through life cheating at cards and blowing crap up. I love how spellcheck is trying to do naughty things to your post though.

    And I seriously believe that you should get on with starting a "Justice Hotline" any day now. That would help so many people. And that "so fat that I already cheated on you" thing made me laugh even five minutes after I was done reading it.

    Bravo! Have a nice day.

  • Where ya to? Miss trippin witchu. All the best~

  • Way to fall off the face of the planet for four days, so far. :( Dang.

  • @qccan - I think if gramps knew he'd die - I sure as hell wanted to.

    And I missed you too, magical, talking snake!

Comments are closed.

Post a Comment