February 23, 2008

• Do's and Don'ts for the modern world

  Do: be black - they're hip, they're in, and apparently their genes are better than everyone else's.

  Don't: be black - everyone thinks you're stupid, everyone thinks you're violent, and everyone loves to hate the guy on top.

  Do: be American.

  Don't: be American - everyone thinks you're a douchebag. Even other Americans.

  Do: Believe in God - He likes that.

  Don't: Believe in God - nobody wants you around, anachronism.

  Do: be male - you'll be paid more, treated like you have a brain, if you're stared at it's a compliment, and you don't have to bleed once a month.

  Don't: be male - you'll pay more, you'll be treated like your brain on has three modes (fighting, feeding, and fk'n), you'll be taught to compete with anything that moves while supressing emotions and then told that's the wrong way to live, you'll bleed more than once of month (but it probably won't hurt...or kill you), and she'll bleed once and month possibly leading to the previous problem.

  Do: be white - the world is your oyster.

  Don't: be white and: male, female, Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, Conservative, American, or a golf ball in the winter.

  Do: fight terrorism - terrorists are jerks.

  Don't: fight terrorism - only jerks invade countries with douchebags ruling over them.

  Do: bitch about everything wrong with the world.

  Don't: attempt to do more than bitch about everything wrong with this world.

  Do: be popular, pretty, and blonde.

  Don't: not be the things just listed. Disclaimer: society's definition of "pretty" is subject to whimsical changes and are 99% impossible to achieve 2080% of the time. If you achieve "perfection" you'll know it - zebras will rain from the heavens along with confetti and balloons. You'll also be awarded the title of "soooo hot" and an army of midgets will do your bidding.

  Do: Be a mindless follower. Mindless followers are 1) patriotic, 2) zealous, 3) open minded, 4) popular, and 5) lacking ideas of their own - they're perfect.

  Don't: Be a mindless follower - there's nothing less cool than a drone. The only way you'll ever make a proper non-conformist is if you constantly conform to the rule that you'll never conform to anything. If your opinion diverges from the other non-conformists you're a conformer. If your opinion is the same as the other non-conformists you're a witless cow. Buck the trend - conform to nothing. When anyone asks you a question you should respond "shut up, smoke your cig, and drink your damn coffee before I cut you." Following this suggestion is not conformity - it is merely a guideline that should be used as you, the non-conformist, see fit.

  Do: Be rich - if Hollywood has taught the modern world anything it's that the pretty, rich people are the happiest people on earth!

  Don't: Be poor. Poor people are: uneducated, stupid, inbred, white, black, Hispanic, blue collar, no color, degenerate, Republican, Democrat, Southern, black, black, insane, Army vets, white trash, probably illegal, probably immoral, definately immoral, sex-crazed baby-makers, lazy, and probably mentally retarded and/or insane. Oh, and they definately deserve to be poor and are never exploited or the victims of society and its prejudices.

  Do: be a douchebag. American High schools are a microcosm of the universe - the jocks rule, the nerds maintain their reign, and the freaks make excellent scapegoats. Jocks, being the minority with the power, must be supported by a much larger base - and that base must be put in its place and packed down firmly. I recommend a trashcan. If you've moved out of the microcosm I suggest taking all the credit and passing all the blame to the nearest freak-spawn and/or racial minority.

  Don't: Be different - only geniuses and morons are different and you're probably not a genius. And being a genius will only get you paid a lot less than the jocks and exploited by them all the same. If you fall into the middle ground you'll feel tempted to think for yourself and that will get you labeled as a freak - the whipping boy of the world. If you're not a jock you're just cattle.

  Do: what pleases you - life is a boring day at work that needs to be trudged through

  Don't: give a damn - caring means sharing in the pains of life and feeling like you're responsible for the well-being of others. And what does that get you? You'll be a) exploited b) exploited some more c) more will be expected of you d) less leniency will be given to you e) never be thanked f) rarely be rewarded g) you'll likely suffer some tragedy that will make people mock you for being good and get screwed for it and h) the bitterness generated by these experiences will wither your body and soul like a grape to a raisin.

  WELL - that's enough bitterness for now. This list was seriously serious - seriously. I r serious cat, this r serious post.

  Surgeon General's Warning: the reading of this post can probably cause cancer - everything else does. Smoking this post will likely lead to your monitor melting. If you experience nausea or vomitting during the reading of this post you probably shouldn't have had that meat you thought was okay or you should have washed your hands more thoroughly after that thing you did that day with that person for some reason you can't remember now. Seek medical attention immediately if you take this post seriously - you may be suffering from a severe case of stupid and a lack of a sense of humor. Such symptoms can lead to death if brought within the physical proximity of the writer of this post - he will unhinge his jaw and devour your head in a single, clean bite. Such an event may cause death, a trip to hell, pregnancy, dancing, and/or a conversion to Scientology.

  • 6:10 pm
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