February 29, 2008

• Chocolate Sex Mantis

  Back from my self-imposed exile – I’ve been feeling terribly antisocial as of late. I’ve been experiencing a lack of social energy rather than physical energy – stupid introverted brain! I poke you with a stick – ACK! Stick in eye not good! NOT GOOD AT ALL! uRK! Stick up nose also not good – you win this round, stupid brain!

  School has been just that – hellish. I kid, I kid – or am I? A paperwork mistake has me three weeks behind my classmates on an important assignment (for the record, not my fault) and the usual midterm madness is going down. Add to all of this my general lack of enthusiasm for anything beyond eating and sleeping – I blame communism. And lightbulbs – without light I wouldn’t be expected to be working on assignments constantly. Bah! I tire of your readings and your papers, and your hours upon hours of sitting! Bah, I say – BAH!

  I’m glad this year is a leap year because it snowed today – I don’t want snow on March 1st! I don’t really care if it snows during March so long as two dates are without it – the 1st and the 21st. The first full day of spring should not see snow – penguins should be tanning on that day. The days have lengthened and I’m quite pleased with this. Although I’m not a big fan of the heat associated with summer I do love the length of the day. Even the night seems more precious with so little of it available for sleeping. Oddly, I don’t spend much of the summer nights sleeping. And no, I’m not a vampire. I’m not a janitor either.

  So I have this friend, let’s call him “Retard,” and he’s been shot through the brain with Cupid’s Head Melter. I’m convinced the death-ray from this beam cannon has vaporized and/or toasted everything that once consisted of his brain. His dating of this woman flies in the face of all things brain related. There are retards who’d point at her and say “Do not want” before pissing themselves and drooling – it’s not exactly a science.

  She’s crazy clingy-needy - the only time she’s emotionally functional is when she’s on the phone with him. If they’re not on the phone (which usually means he’s sleeping) she’s pretty much an emotional wreck. Is it just me or should there be a robot running through his apartment yelling “Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!”? If it is just me it shouldn’t be. That’s not candy, Chim-Chim, that’s hot lava. She almost literally can’t live without him and like some alien lifeform she’s latched onto and merged with my friend *preps flamethrower*

  He’s now planning on moving in with her and possibly getting married some time after that – it’s like he enjoys the feeling of the pencil entering his eye. And don’t think for a moment “she must be pretty hot for his brain to disengage like that” because I would respond “HELLS NO.” And I can honestly say that she is literally ugly. It would almost make some sense if he were dumbstruck by a blonde bombshell, that’s expected, but when she’s crazy and ugly how is two minus two equaling ten? Are we working with college math? Did math break? Did my eyes finally degrade to the point where the image has ceased to malfunction on a level of clarity and switched pure crazy?

  I could care less that she’s ugly – he thinks she’s good looking and that’s all that matters in that sense. But I’d bet anything that their marriage, if it lasts more than two years, will never last ten. And yet I can’t really tell him any of this stuff because Cupid melted the head from his shoulders – damn, diaper-fetished freak. He has already ignored my advice that he have a life apart from her – I kid you not that he’s on the phone six to ten hours a day with her. He has ignored my advice that they seek counseling if they’re going to continue seeing each other. He is ignoring the advice of a LOT of people when it comes to marrying her.

  Poor Retard – if only the train headed your way would kill instead of just maim you.

  All of this makes me ask “what the hell was I smoking when I decided on a career revolving around convincing people NOT to hurt themselves?” I SHOULD BE WORKING FOR A TOBACCO COMPANY. On the bright side – my field is inundated with women. A) that means I spend a lot of time with women B) that means lots of places are looking to hire male counselors to balance their staff C) I have such wonderful anecdotes as this…

  So I was working on a “survival” exercise with six women only to discover my place in the boat was occupied by a box of chocolate bars – men can and will be replaced by chocolate if women are given the option. That was a little insulting – but then they took the booze and the cigs also so I felt a little less slighted. They weren’t choosing sugar over my life – they were throwing me to the sharks to save me from being on a boat-full of women with only a box of chocolates amongst them.

  In the future, the genetics of men and chocolate will be fused so that women have their sex and eat it too. Just like the Wild West, there will be the quick and the dead – like the male spider, choco-men will have to book it if they have any hope of surviving mating. Like the praying mantis, men will have to pray before each encounter with the opposite sex.

  Which leads me to ask “WHY WEREN’T YOU PRAYING ALREADY? THEYZ SCARY!”

  • 6:15 pm
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