March 1, 2008

• Madness

  If my brain were a psychotropic drug and you were a zombie, eating my brain would produce visions similar to these…

  http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c39214ff28e70114ff336cfd0001 - I love Cheese Wiz

  http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c392185f7f52011860ce6ed5004e – If I were a super villain I probably would be Killface. RPG moment x2 – a hobbit named Homo T. Baggins with an RPG.

  http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c3920eaf5fa6010eaf8c3ea8003d – don’t do drugs, kids.

  So last night I was standing in my kitchen and my roommate comes home with a girl friend of his. They start prepping to cook and meal and then offer to let me have some too – I say sure and stick around to joke with them. While prepping the meal, my roomy finds a carton of milk that he thinks is bad and sets it aside to pour down the sink. A few minutes later there’s a loud “pop” and my two guests look at me in confusion as I pull my shirt over my nose. Their confusion is quickly replaced by gagging as the odor de ass permeates the room.

  Here’s a science lesson for you – taking the carton out of the fridge raised the temp in the ass-gas the spoiled milk had produce until the pressure was enough to pop the top off. Another unfortunate side effect of the explosion was the spray of rancid milk that rained down upon my kitchen and guests. Many candles were lit and their energies spent upon combatting the foul stench. Guess the expiration date on that monstrosity – Dec 12th. The date on the milk suggested to me, Sherlock C. Jones, that my other roommate, while his girlfriend from Virginia was visiting, had purchased milk and then forgot about it.

  In his defense, I’m pretty sure there’s lunchmeat hidden in our vegetable drawer that’s been there since June of last year – opening that bin might release a gas capable of eating through my arm in seconds. Yes, my apartment truly is a den of horrors.

  In other news, an army of squirrels, a department of gnomes, and gaggle of geese, a panoply of penguins, a couple ninjas, and my dear friend Kristen are currently editing my book. She is the general in charge of this operation, an operation I’ve dubbed “Two Years Overdue,” and I’m sure she’s breaking the backs of my loyal minions as I write this – they will work harder or I will have their families shot with their bones. I am not opposed to executing my minions as they are easily replaced – birth control is illegal in Jonopoliscityplacelivingcentertown. The squirrels have only two duties – work and booty. Generally speaking, work for them is booty – aka, collecting the spoils of war from all foolish enough to oppose me and my empire.

  Those two ninjas are just mercs – I pay them in days I allow them to live. I’m sure that you’ve heard that it takes a village to raise a child. Well, it takes a ninja to locate another sleeping ninja and plant a bomb in his head so that you can blackmail him into doing your bidding – have I mentioned recently that I’m a ninja? Speaking of ninjas, check out askaninja.com – you’ll find yourself wading through sumo guts in no time. The gnomes work for me because I convinced them I’m the avatar of their god, Guyis Talleris Thannus. Any who question the badger priesthood I’ve put in place are burrowed into by the badger priests and turned into badger-shacks.

  Sidenote: don’t breathe your Coca Cola – it hurts and stings. The geese and penguins offered to work for less than the Chinese so they were hired on the spot – plus they’re really cute and it’s colder in IL than in the artic. Kristen works for me for many reasons – let me list them for kicks and giggles.

  1. She’s very smart – smart enough to know I can’t nuke people within hugging distance.

  2. She’s very smart – smart enough to know that squirrel-ninjas are easily bought-off with nuts.

  3. She has class – class enough to know that Freakazoid and Steven Colbert are awesome.

  4. She’s completely f’n insane – that’s my kind of people.

  5. Have I mentioned she’s smart? Smart enough to know that once I rule the world I’m going to have goodies to hand out to loyalists who have served me well – she will receive unicorn giggles and cookies.

  6. The healthcare benefits in my Minions R Mothered program is awesome.

  7. The pay is great – I execute more people than I pay so the survivors receive an extra-fat check! Which happens to be tattooed onto the belly of an incredibly fat, bearded woman – collect your pay and a circus freak!

  • 10:13 pm
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