March 8, 2008

• Acts of Violence

  I was going to post something on violence but then I was interrupted (how dare my workplace interfere with my blogging - how dare it?) for about a half an hour and I lost my train of thought. So instead I'll talk about something entirely random and possibly violent to amaze and entertain. And now I'll juggle chainsaws taped to the hoofs of virgin goats! Oh the carnage! BUZZZZZZZZZ!

  I woke up this morning knowing today was going to suck. There was a tiny bit of pressure sitting between my eyes and I knew that it would grow with each passing hour until everything near my eyes throbbed with a deep ache. My prophecy came true and now I sit here bemoaning the truthfulness of my prediction - suck fest. I need two cold beers right now - one for drinking and one for placing against my forehead in a desperate attempt to dull the pain. I tried coating a pencil in chewed up aspirin and then driving it into my brain but that failed to do anything other than produce some awesome visual hallucinations. There's currently a purple argonian huddled in the corner begging me not to kill her - she claims that she's not Barney. I think she's full of crap - all purple dinos are Barney. Barney must die. There's also a dragon and a genie have a breakdance competition on my desk - the genie has boobs going for her but the dragon has a hoard of gold he's willing to bribe me with.

  And gold would allow me to change my living situation - I must escape the madness. My roommate, the non-Bob one, continues to live as a moon slowly circling the black hole that is his girlfriend. Unlike a moon, he's producing noises such as giggling like a fool, fauning, and in general talking about nothing like so many couples do. His bloody GF is on the otherside of the damn country and he spends so much time chatting with her you'd swear she's present in my apartment. To add to this horror, he has a hands-free headset so you can never tell if he's talking to you or to her - I've begun to assume he's talking to her because a) he spends 99.99% of his waking hours and speech on her and b) he no longer says anything worth hearing.

  What mindworm burrows its way into the mind of couples? I know where it's located, the logic and speech centers of their brain, but I don't understand how some couples remain human while others become babbling ninnies - the annoying clowns of undead world. That's it - the reason I'm so pissed at him is that my brain, on a previously unconscious level, thinks he's a zombie. And because he's a zombie I have an almost uncontrollable urge to splatter his brains over whatever surface happens to be behind him at the time. Shotgun, axe, cinder block - any tool will do the job. The problem - he's still alive. He's just brain dead. Normally I'm against pulling the plug but I think this case is hopeless - he's terminaly dating.

  Dammit, I'm a grad student, not a necromancer - I can't cure cupid-stupid! Here's my DNR (do not rescue) for dating - if I reach critical levels of stupid due to bewbs please bash my head open and squish the worm. The "baby" virus must be stopped - because if I hear him say "baby" to his gf one more time I'm going to hack off my arms, replace them with chainsaws, and go on a hugging spree. If you have a heart, please stop this madness if it ever infects me - blow my freaking head off. Feel no pity, remorselessly hack my head from my shoulders - I will no longer be human. If my "mate" happens to show similar symptoms please kill her too - we can't have her infecting another man, now can we?

  I lied, btw - I am a necromancer.

  • 8:58 pm
  • 11 Comments