July 26, 2009

• Nerd Poison

  Another night where I'm awake at 3am - I've become a vampire without the benefit of strength, immortality, or a bonus to my charisma. If you get any or all of that, you may be a nerd. Here are some helpful warning signs that you might need to seek medical attention for a raging case of nerd-brain (it's like a tumor that makes 95% of the opposite sex cringe at your approach).

  EDIT: the answers/explanations for these will come in the next blog.

  1. You know who Akira Kurosawa is. +2
  2. You can name at least three of his works. +5
  3. You know how many Final Fantasy games there are. +2
  4. You have a favorite FF game. +5
  5. You've ever hidden in a cardboard box and snickered "I'm Solid Snake, tee-hee." +30
  6. You know what the heck I'm referring to. +5
  7. You've heard Dragonforce. +5
  8. You've got more than one friend who LIKES Dragonforce. +10
  9. You know the difference between Manga, Anime, and Hentai. +10
  10. You'd be offended if any of them were referred to as "cartoons". +15
  11. You've ever dressed up as a cartoon, sci-fi, or fantasy character. +1
  12. It wasn't Halloween when you did that. +5
  13. You did it for a convention. +5
  14. You made your own costume. +20
  15. You own an entire season of something animated. +1
  16. You own several seasons of animated shows. +5
  17. You prefer Star Trek to Star Wars. +5
  18. You have a preference. +5
  19. You've seen more than two Trek films. +5
  20. You've read a Star Wars or Star Trek book. +10
  21. You've bought the collector's edition of ANY video game: +10
  22. You've modded your game. +10
  23. You've created a mod. +30
  24. You've written a walkthrough. +30
  25. You know how many pokemon appeared in the original game. +10
  26. You can name more than Pikachu. +10
  27. You knew that the original game came in more than one version. +10
  28. You wanted to correct me about that. +10
  29. You know why the internet is for porn. +10
  30. You know who Charlie the Unicorn is: +1
  31. You've played WoW. +1
  32. You can identify what "WoW" stands for. +5
  33. You've played video games for more than 2 hours straight. +1
  34. More than six hours. +5
  35. More than 10 hours. +10
  36. More than 16. +20
  37. You didn't eat or pee during that time. +50
  38. You're a guy and you prefer to play female characters. +10
  39. You've ever hit on another guy just to remain in character. +20
  40. You've held a character sheet. +10
  41. You filled out that character sheet. +10
  42. You have a fond memory of rolling a 20. +20
  43. You know what a GM is. +10
  44. You know what Atari and Commodore 64 are. +5
  45. You can remember thinking they were awesome. +10
  46. You know the Mario and Zelda themes by heart. +5
  47. You know who Toad is and you're sick of him telling you the princess is in another castle. +5
  48. You know the primary weapon of the Castlevania games. +10
  49. You own a Weird Al song. +1
  50. You own more than one. +5
  51. You own several of his cds. +10
  52. You've ever made lightsaber noises with your mouth. +1
  53. You've argued whether superman or batman would win in a fight. +5
  54. You've played a tabletop strategy game. +10
  55. You know that Sabertooth and Wolverine are NOT BROTHERS. +10
  56. You hate the Resident Evil films for not sticking with canon. +10
  57. You know the canon of RE. +20
  58. You know that the Legend of Zelda games are really about Link. +10
  59. You've seen Robot Chicken. +1
  60. You know what food Bush is obsessed with in Robot Chicken sketches. +5
  61. You think the 80's had the best toys and cartoons EVER. +10
  62. You've seen Akira. +10
  63. You've played more than 10 games. +5
  64. You've beaten more than ten. +10
  65. None of those games were Halo. +1
  66. You've seen Red Vs. Blue. +1
  67. You like the "Heroes" TV show. +1
  68. Your computer weighs more than you do. +10
  69. You've ever subscribed to a gaming magazine. +10
  70. You've received a soft-core porn mag and been disappointed it wasn't a gaming magazine. +20
  71. Your favorite centerfold consists of hardware specs. +20
  72. You've ever heard a joke about tentacle beasts and school girls. +10
  73. You know more than 20 Japanese words and you learned them all from "cartoons". +10
  74. You know that "XP" is a good thing and that it has nothing to do with Microsoft. +10
  75. You own dice that have more than six sides. +10
  76. You own dice with 4 to 20 sides. +20
  77. You've had a LAN party. +10
  78. You love Starcraft. +10
  79. You're still playing Starcraft online. +10
  80. You know what gaming company Blizzard steals all its source material from. +20
  81. You've ever painted a miniature for your "army". +10
  82. You've dumped more than $10 bucks into an arcade machine. +10
  83. You own a game soundtrack. +5
  84. You prefer your movies subbed to dubbed. +5
  85. You can quote Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail. +5
  86. You quote it regularly. +5
  87. You quote cartoons. +5
  88. You quote cartoons and your friends laugh. +5
  89. You've heard Chuck Norris jokes. +5
  90. You've been ganked. +5
  91. You know what being ganked implies. +5
  92. You speak l33t. +5
  93. You know why Captain Kirk is smiling when he's putting on his boots. +10
  94. You speak Klingon. +50
  95. You know who Luke married. +20
  96. You immediately thought of Luke Skywalker when I said "Luke". +10
  97. You've been called a nerd and considered it to be a compliment. +5
  98. You've been called a nerd and it turned you on. +10
  99. You were called nerd by someone who expected it to be a turn on. +20
  100. You've ever played a dating sim. +20

  Diagnosis
  0-20: Major Deficit. Your body is so lacking in nerdiness that you may be in danger of dying as a total jerk. You're either older than 40 or someone who spends 90% of their time looking in a mirror to check out for tan-lines and roid-zits.
  21-75: Diluted. You've got just enough nerd to avoid jerkdom but you're probably an old fogey or a church mouse. TV and pop-culture are the devil to you or you're too busy educating yourself in things that matter to bother with such pursuits as entertainment and fun.
  76-200: Minor Case. You're probably in a healthy place here. You've got a bit of nerd but not enough to make you unwashed and/or scary. You've probably friends you see face to face every once in a while. You could probably be exposed to nerds without running screaming from the room but you're definitely not one.
  201-400: Infected. You're a nerd. Not a major one but you are of their ilk. Don't deny - you know it to be true! Join the Dark Side - we've got cookies.
  401-800: Major Infection. You're screwed. If you're not an insanely hot woman people are probably going to avoid you because you're dripping with nerdy knowledge and behavior. If you happen to be a hot woman and are this nerdy you will probably be worshiped as a goddess. If you're a guy and this nerdy...you'll probably be rich if you've got the charisma to match your nerd cred.
  800+: Plague Bearer. You will die a virgin. You will die in your parents' basement or attic. You will die stained by Cheetos and smelling like someone who doesn't bathe or understand the wonders of deodorant. Your hair is long and greasy and when you go outside people can't decide whether you're going to try to rape them or if you're retarded. If you've attained this level of nerd exposure and somehow not had your outer shell warp to match the chaos you've absorbed you might possibly make a very likable person. But that's a long shot so just go back to trolling forums that only the Major Infection-type nerds visit and remind them that you're so much better than them.

  They've forgotten.

  • 5:45 am
  • 6 Comments