August 21, 2009

• Cops

  No, I didn't get busted. But here are five reasons I'd make a terrible police officer!

  1. I'm small. In weight and stature I am not a big guy - which means I'm throw-able. Through glass panes, over cars, into cars, into people, and over ledges - my body just says "grab me and go for the gusto!...in throwing people". I'm the kid all the other karate kids using for throwing practice - because they look awesome when they chuck me a dozens yards like I weigh nothing...never mind that I do in fact weigh nothing and seem to be very aerodynamic.

  2. I hate being a rules-Nazi. I'm a people person - I like to treat people like people rather than as problems needing to meet my beating stick. I'm cool with rules when they're being used to protect people, not treat them as suspects until they're out of site or actually do something I can bust them for. In my experience, the rules-Nazi is only popular with other anal douchebags.

  3. I like justice. You'd think that being a cop would be just the thing but criminals get off on technicalities and/or receive reduced sentences from "compassionate" judges with the help of scumbag lawyers. We claim to have impartial justice but it's not blind status, money, color, and clout. I'd be one over-turned conviction from a shooting and cops don't do well in prison.

  4. I don't like taking orders. This might sound obstinate but I'm anything but - you can get me to do just about anything by simply asking. But when I'm ordered to do something, especially by someone who's being a jerk when simply saying "this needs to be done" would have been sufficient irks me. And at first it'd just irk me. Then it'd make me wish my boss had an ounce of people skills. Then I'd hand him my badge and my gun and say "here are two suppositories for your hemorrhoids."

  5. I'm way too trusting. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt which is potentially a career ending trait when it comes to police work. "Hey, how's it going? Okay - you just shot me. You shot me again - this conversation is going poorly." Either last night or the night before a cop killed a guy because he wouldn't put his hands up. Now that might sound somewhat understandable but here's what caught the officer's interest in the first place - the guy was sitting in his car with two other people. I'd put money down that they were black and that he assumed black people + car = cocaine fiends on a killing spree. So his first reaction was to pull his gun and shoot the driver in the chest for being incredulous and slow to realize that when a guy points a gun at you you put your hands up.

  • 10:09 pm
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