June 15, 2010
-
Job Opportunities in Modern America
I hear convicted felons are cleaning up the oil spill in the Gulf – for $12 to $20 bucks an hour. Which means criminals make 50% to 150% more than I have had spending time on the beach. Oh, and 15 times what Walmart and Disney pay their workers in Bangladesh. Meanwhile, honest citizens pay for the room and board of those criminals – awesome! Aaaaaaaand we’re probably paying them to do the cleanup too…
While I generally avoid the sun out of principle, I am willing to go clean up oil for $20 bucks an hour. I’m even willing to do so without committing a crime first. What a deal! And when the crisis is over you won’t have to feed me! INSANE SAVINGS. I also have a counseling degree so I can console all those screwed by BP and speak with the mourning sea turtles who’ve lost friends! MAGICAL UNICORN RAINBOW-GIGGLES!
Congressman Bob Etheridge wants to hold your hand and give side-hugs. He also wants to know your name – because he thinks you’re a demon! He’s trying to control you through your true name so give him a fake one! I recommend Mr. McCuddlebuns or Ms. Thisafayknaim. He’s going to ask you to fetch him some more cocaine and LSD so just play along – he’ll probably give you a fat wad of cash or a job cleaning up the Gulf.
If neither of those gigs is your thing, try Unemployment! It’s such a cushy gig that nearly 10% of Americans are enjoying it! The pay: a price can’t be put on it! The benefits: time! And we all know that time = money. Not only that but you’ll be making all that money while spending your time on something else. I recommend:
Knitting! The ancient art of taking string and making yourself look Amish!
Fat Storage Unit! If the economy collapses we’re going to need a food source and you’re it! You’re a true American hero and we salute you! (the eating comes later)
Homelessness! It’s like camping – the stink of the unwashed, the magic of the outdoors, exposure to the elements, challenging raccoons and bears for garbage and territory, and knife-fighting skills!
Professional Student! Pay a small group of people to judge you on a regular basis. Learn why Western civilization sucks and is run by Satan (if religion wasn’t such bullshit!) and then pay some more money to be told why you’re* undeserving of anything but misery and social servitude! Pile on debt like money is going to be worthless soon – it might be, you don’t know! You might even be able to eat that sheep skin! I’M SO EXCITED I MIGHT JUST KILL AND EAT YOU!!!! *FROTHS AT MOUTH*
*Only applies to European American Students. All other ethnicities are reminded that they should despise all whites SAVE their enlightened teachers.
Government Employee! Get paid for voting Democrat – everybody (who votes Democrat) wins!
Union Protester! Get paid for bitching, punching, and voting Democrat! (can be stacked with Government Employee for twice the voting and four identities worth of pay – SYNERGISTIC EMPLOYMENT BONUS!!!)
Blogger! Tell people you don’t even know how stupid they are and how much you want to punch them in their sex organs! Judge, argue, and throw tantrums while congratulating yourself on your superior intellect! Occasionally make a valid point so people can’t write you off without seeming like the judgmental asshole you’ve been painting them as! This career is an excellent way to prepare for a political career – let that rhetoric and hyperbole fly!
Basement Troll! EAT CHEETOS, TROLL, BITCH AT MOTHER, EAT CHEETOS, PLAY WOW, TROLL THE INTERNET FOR N00BS AND FAIL, WANK, SLEEP, REPEAT UNTIL MOTHER DIES.
Yay!
Comments (8)
…I’ll take my hand at the eating cheetos part….of course.
I’ll have to read this later!
Do you think amplifiers and a microphone are overkill in my class of 12? Just kidding. I had to cut some stuff back, I could talk for hours on that stuff. Found some good quotes to pass out though. Part of George Washington’s Farewell Address, some excerpts from The Federalist Papers.
Paying felons to clean up the gulf is just wrong on so many levels… Especially considering how many law abiding citizens are looking for jobs
That is good money and times are hard so tell the felons to stay home. there are a lot of people on unemployment and that doesn’t pay $20 an hour
SIGH. As a person who is both law abiding and looking for work, this would burn me right up if it didn’t make me so damn weary. I might try that Blogger gig. Tee hee.
@dropsofjupiterihh - being over-prepared for speeches is great. You’re less likely to blank and you’ll be able to fill your time without trouble.
@firetyger - putting America back to work! lolz
@trunthepaige - $20 an hour is better than most of my college educated friends are making doing complicated jobs.
@squeakysoul - I’m thinking about knitting. If I go Amish I can quit shaving. Then again, I’d also have to give up electricity and I like lights, fridges, computers, and tvs.
You Should Know that the Reason they’re Using Felons is because they’re much less likely to Sue or Understand
Why they came down with Liver/Kidney Failure, Blood Disorders, Autoimmune Disorders ectera later on
From the Toxic Levels of Benzene and Corexit they’re undoubtidly being exposed to.