September 14, 2010
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20 Signs that you’re a villain
I’m avoiding a paper right now. It’s only five pages long but it’s not on an interesting topic and I haven’t been left the freedom to play with it – which is to say I’m about to BS five pages just to get it over with. I have nothing to say about this subject. The subject, you ask? What are the “obvious” solutions to the problems your organization is facing. Seeing as I don’t have a job, I have to BS this paper at least a tad to begin with. To get around the “no organization to evaluate” problem I’m looking at the field of Psychology.
Moving past my whining, I’ve decided Obama can’t be a supervillain like Hitler and Stalin. My reasoning? He doesn’t have a mustache. You can’t be a proper dictator without a mustache. Ackmydinnerjon has a beard-mustache combo, Saddam had a mustache, and Snidely Whiplash as well – see the pattern? The evil twin always has a mustache as well. Obama has no mustache so I declare him incompetent, not villainous.
It should be noted that the Imam supporting the New York mosque and the Qu’ran threating pastor both have facial hair. Coincidence? I think not!
If you have facial hair and are worried you’re a villain, here are some questions you should ask yourself.
1. Do you have a clean-shaven twin? If you answered “yes”, you are a villain.
2. Complete this sentence: All ________ should be killed. If you answered “Jews”, then you’re a villain.
3. Have you tied a woman to anything besides a bed? If you answered “yes”, you’re a villain. If you answered “Just the bed,” you kinky bastard! High-five!
4. Do you curl your mustache around your finger while laughing about your daily activities? If you answered “yes”, you’re a villain. If you answered “Yes, but I don’t have a mustache to twirl so I just spin my finger”, you’re either me or insane – which is sort of redundant.
5. Do you think Insane Clown Posse is awesome? If you answered “yes” then you’re a moron who is entertained by the jingling of keys and thinks magnets are the product of wizardry.
6. Do you play Halo online? If you answered “yes”, you’re probably just a douchebag. Stop popping your collar – nobody but your idiot friends think it’s cool.
7. Do you own a cat? If “yes”, do you stroke that cat often and refuse to have anything above your shoulders photographed? If you answered “yes”, you’re either very self-conscious or a villain – it’s about 50/50.
8. Do you have facial scars or a physical deformity? If “yes,” you’re probably a villain – hot people are either a) on the side of good (the side in form-fitting tights, rawr) or b) only evil enough to be a bad boy/girl who can be sexed into redemption by the side of good (black uniform of some sort; badass for males, bodice for females).
WORDPLAY BONUS
9. Have you kicked an orphan today? If “yes”, and that orphan wasn’t you or your toady, you are a villain.
10. Did you kick your toady? Cuz toadies are a villain thing.
11. Is your home full of traps that should conceivably kill you whenever you get drunk? You’re either a horder or a villain – if there’s fire you’re probably a horder; if there’s a spike-trap and skeletal remains…you might still be a horder. Sharks with lasers are definately a villain thing…well, aquatic monsters of any type counter, laser or now.
12. Do you own a laser? Is it weapons grade? If you answer “yes” to both, you’re either a scientist, a villain, or a villainous scientist. If you’ve aimed your laser at the crotch of an attractive person you’re a villain.
13. Does your typical date involve kidnapping and the death of your date’s previous significant other? You’re either a ingenious rebound dater or a villain. If the dinner date involves having her slip into something skimpy and sitting at opposite ends of a very long table, you’re probably a villain. Probably…rebound daters can be kind of predatory – KILL THE WEAK! I mean, date them…is that any better? I’m thinking not…
14. Do your prefer your dates underage and virginal, possibly in skirts? Then you’re either a pervert or a villain – not always mutually exclusive.
15. Do you have a nuclear, biological, or chemical weapon capable of killing thousands? You’re either a villain or any number of leaders guiding world powers – check for a mustache/beard.
16. Are you ambiguously gay? You’re either a drama major or a villain – check for mustaches. If you giggled at that suggestion you’re a drama major. If you shot the first person you saw without a mustache, you’re a villain. If you drew his naked corpse, you’re Stalin. If you made a joke about how skinny the corpse is, you’re probably Hitler. If you sucked your thumb, you’re still Hitler. If you complained about Glenn Beck, you’re Obama – and due to your lack of mustache you’re not a villain, just a whiney bitch.
17. Are you fond of killing children? If you answered “yes” and you don’t work in a public school, you’re probably a villain.
18. How many statues of you are erected in public squares? If you answered “more than one” then you’re a villain. If you answered “one” then you’ve likely done nothing worthy of such an honor but in the West we worship or pretty people and athletes. Scientists and war heroes are icky.
19. Coke or Pepsi? If you answered “Pepsi”, I hate you. You…you…sugary so and so! When the battle lines are drawn I’ll happily skewer you in a Coke-fueled frenzy! Your cola isn’t even tied to an illegal narcotic – you…suck! Yarg! Hitler drank Pepsi out of Stalin’s moobs and every can contains the soul of an orphan and a dead kitten!
20. Are you Jewish? If you answered “yes”, you are the villain the villains believe are destroying the world. Maybe the world of comedy or my ears if you’re from New York, but otherwise, LOLZ. Well, Steven Spielberg did rape Indian Jones…and he has facial hair…he also took guns out of cops’ hands so illegal aliens could abscond with young boys. I’ll give them that one.
Sure, only 18 of those questions related to villainy but following a list strictly is totally a villain thing to do. Are we in range of the planet yet? No? Well drive around. Of course we can’t just blast the planet that’s in the way! Our plan has to be unwieldy and rigid like our worthless armors. What kind of villain lacks principle? Hrumph!
Comments (25)
ROFL this pretty good.
I’m not crazy…I just want a fucking pepsi!
what about a female who answers yes on items 3 and 14? With A pinch of number 11 and a probable positive on number 18?
This is hilarious!
@Diva_Jyoti - have you checked for a mustache? Facial hair is kind of a deal breaker. As for the Pepsi, I do prefer Coke but I added that entry because my best friend loves Pepsi and I like to tease her.
With 3 + 14 you may have a decent dungeon going or a possible porno. With 11 + 18 added to the first two you’ve definately got a dungeon. I recommend adding more traps, a handful of goblins, chains for the virgins (large chains for holding them, small chains for dressing them), getting a pet dragon, and finding some white knights to kidnap virgins from. You won’t technically be a villain but you will qualify as “evil” and “sitting on a pile of gold” which will attract foot-traffic – and as Xangas, isn’t that what we’re all about?
Wow..what a awesome list! Now I will know who’s a villain and who’s not! Excellent! I will be prepared..
Oh boy! I’m going to have to take this one thing at a time. First – in some of the posters I’ve seen Obama definately has a mustache! Second – do they really expect you to b.s. your way through that paper? It sounds like my MTV paper. I have quite a bit due next week. One test, my part of the team project – which is on the after effects of the D-Day invasion, one personal paper of choice on history – I’m doing one about Nazi propaganda – funny thing – mustache comes to mind, and the last one is a small one page paper on the movie Luther. I have do have a cat and drink coke. I would like a statue of me erected; in a cranberry bog.
LOL Nice job on this. lol
Dammit, stupid girl gene, can’t grow facial hair =(
6. Heyyyyyyy… my lil bro plays Halo online! He’s a newb to the Xbox, he doesn’t know any better! And he definitely doesn’t pop his collars!
7. Or you could substitute a rabbit, that you later shoot with a pistol (at 5:55): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMHHWfSe4TE
8. Not true for femme fatales! (besides the facial hair too)
16. HA, so true, so true…
19. I KNEW IT, YOU ASSHOLE. PEPSI RULES!!!
@Hinase - just pray that they don’t catch on and shave. We’re screwed if they shave!
@dropsofjupiterihh - I hope the statue has you holding a cat in one arm and lifting a can of Coke aloft with the other. If I were rich, I’d line my evil lair with them.
@SerenaDante - that’s what fake mustaches are for! No one will ever suspect a woman of being a mustache-carrying member of Villains for Villanous Villainy!
@eowynnabeeowyn - sorry, only cats. Apparently all that Pepsi rotted your brain. You can’t even tell that your brother is a little douche – HALO IS THEIR GATEWAY DRUG!!! He’ll be popping his collar and growing a porn-stache in no time. The change has already begun – there is no turning back. When he reaches Jersey Shore levels of douchieness he’ll radiate douche-waves. If you don’t drive a Coke through his heart you’ll be in danger of becoming…Snookie.
Don’t worry, friend – I’ll put you down if that day comes.
Hey! I play Halo online…
@firetyger - have you checked for a mustache and popped collar? Do you tea-bag ALL your kills? You may need to see a doctor - you wouldn’t want your daughters to catch it.
@JJ_Ames -
I only tea bag the guys who trash talk me for being a girl
I pwnz them!
But yeah…thanks for the heads up. I’ll keep checking everyday to make sure my symptoms don’t increase. Wouldn’t want a mustache now would I. *shudder*
Hahahahahahaha… That was fantastic. I’m definitely not a villain, not even by stretching my imagination to breaking point, but I just might be able to squeeze into a vigilante role. If I really work at it.
~V
15. does estrogen count?
This was original and hilarious. Wish I would have written it. Loved the “Dr. Claw” reference by the way. Well done
@amateurprose - thank you for your kind words…trust no one with a mustache!
@illgrindmyownthankyou - has it exploded? Will a man with a mustache use it to experiment on orphans? If yes, it can be included under the heading of “biological weaponry.” If “no”, it’s just scary.
@JJ_Ames -
How can I be certain that you, yourself, do not sport a mustache. The potential that you do makes your statement very problematic.
@amateurprose - it would certainly be devious of me to teach people how to spot villains while finding the means to disguise my cookie duster. Alas, I am not evil enough to grow a proper mustache which excludes me from villainous pursuits. Neither can I grow a proper beard! All I can grow is a bushy goatie which leaves me with only three options 1) beatnik, 2) devil incarnate, or 3) douchebag – which can be mixed and matched. However, I find goaties itchy. I am down to only one razor – will my laziness allow evil to grow unchecked?
@SerenaDante -
didn’t stop a neighbor of mine back in michigan.
J.J., I was convinced I was a villain at question two when I filled in the blank with Mormons.. and then felt bad immediately, and switched it with PUPPIES out of reflex… Not fighting it… I’m evil.
@TheGiantSlayer - depending on your take on U.S. history, filling in the blank with “Mormons” was possibly the least evil thing you could choose. I normally choose “zombies.”
Speaking of Snidely Whiplash I was watching Rocky and Bullwinkle the other day and one of the features that episode was Dudley Do-Right. In the episode Nell goes into a knitting craze and Snidely tricks her in knitting him a Snidely suit out of bulletproof yarn. It totally made me want bulletproof yarn to crochet with.