September 17, 2010

• 6 Things I’d rather die of than cancer

  I need to think of something funny. My grandmother and grandaunt aren’t doing well. Short of a miracle, Aunt Francis has less than a month. In defense of Death, she was a heavy, heavy smoker most of her 87 years of life…and 87 years is a lot of time to be alive even without smoking. In defense of both of my family members, FUCK CANCER. If I ever end up with cancer I plan on dying spectacularly in a non-cancer related way just to spite cancer. And I’m the type who’d cut off his nose to spite his face so cancer is in for a major disappointment if it doesn’t step aside for the leading cause of death in my family – heart attacks!

  Heart attacks fit my family’s outlook on life. We work hard, play hard by working harder, and we plan on dying hard. Cancer is far too slow – it’s wasting our time. Either kill us or get out of the way so we can get back to work. And who has time to die anyway? Dead people are so lazy! Lying around, not producing anything, it’s like…(insert racist joke here)! How about you crawl out of that grave and get off of welfare, ya dead-peeps! It’s no wonder the dead overwhelming vote Democrat.

  OOOOOOOH SNAP!

  And now I present 6 Things That I’d Rather Die of Than Cancer Because Cancer Can Suck It (“It” being whatever cancer finds most disturbing at the moment)!

  1. Cuteness. There are many things that are so insanely cute that you die inside and then are resurrected in a newer, better form made of happiness, hugs, and unicorn farts made of fairy giggles. Unicorns really need to cut down on eating fairies…that or chew so the fairies don’t build cities in their digestive tracts. Little known fact: fairies are the intestinal worms of parazoology.

  2. Epic battle. Nothing stirs the souls of men quite like weaponry and having a lot of things to hit with it. I want to die on top of a pile of zombies surrounded by a moat of liquified goblin. I will, of course, have a few moments to inspire tears with an dying speech. AVENGE MY VIRGIN DEATH.

  3. Chuck Norris. The quickest way to a man’s heart is Chuck Norris’ fist. I’d use his tears to cure my cancer but he never cries – not even after my dying speech. He mostly laughed about the virgin part. In his defense, he was reminded of another joke about him: Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Island; now they’re just the Islands. I’m going to die by punch…line.

  BAM

  4. Nuclear Explosion. I’ve always dreamt of being vaporized by a nuclear explosion. No, seriously – I dream about it all the time. I dream about it so often that you should probably move out of the Chicagoland area because it’s probably a prophecy.

  You can’t say I didn’t warn you.

  5. Chocolate. Now you might be saying “that’s so lame” but hear me out. I want to be run through with a spear made of chocolate after being shot full of chocolate arrows. As chocolate and blood fill my lungs, I will cough up my newly caramel center and then be thrown into pit of spikes made…wait for it…more chocolate! I bet you thought I’d think of something inventive! That pit will then be filled with molten chocolate and topped with a fresh cherry. WHY MUST YOU MOCK MY VIRGINITY, FATE?!

  6. Force-lightninged to death by the current Pope. This might seem like a slam on the Pope or an assisted suicide but neither is true. Being blessed with the ability to draw cancer and/or demons out of people and into myself, I travel the world playing the most f’d up game of Pokemon EVER. Unfortunately, with that much badass and monstrous contained in one body, I soon become an abomination and the Pope is forced to “kick the stupid out” of me – his words, not mine. The meme born of this battle will be popular for approximately three months at which point it will die only to rise again for the sake of poorly disguised reference.

  • 12:54 am
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