Here are the answers I’m sure you’ve all been dying to know…NOT. Also “stunning” insights into how truly nerd-consumed I am. I probably know twice as much about world history which makes me an Epic Nerd – often patient zero.

1. You know who Akira Kurosawa is
Kurosawa is a Japanese film director who was partly inspired by Westerns – his films about samurai inspiring Westerns back here in American AND Star Wars
2. You can name at least three of his works
Hidden Fortress (star wars is based partially on this), Seven Samurai, and Yojimbo (fist full of dollars)
3. You know how many Final Fantasy games there are
Twelve have currently be released but multiple spins offs and several sequels are also out there.
4. You have a favorite FF game
VII and XII.
5. You’ve ever hidden in a cardboard box and snickered “I’m Solid Snake, tee-hee.”
The main character of the Metal Gear Solid games is codenamed Solid Snake and one of his disguises is a cardboard box.
7. You’ve heard Dragonforce
It’s sort of a Metal band…sort of.
8. You’ve got more than one friend who LIKES Dragonforce
I have several.
9. You know the difference between Manga, Anime, and Hentai
Manga is similar to a comic book and/or graphical novel, anime is often animated Manga, and Hentai is pretty much animated porn.
10. You’d be offended if any of them were referred to as “cartoons”.
They might be drawn by hand but few qualify as children’s material. Some of it is actually rather thought provoking and only held back from a wider, American audience by its animated format (sadly).
11. You’ve ever dressed up as a cartoon, sci-fi, or fantasy character
This one I haven’t done – but I have given a presentation while dressed as a pirate.
12. It wasn’t Halloween when you did that
It was on Halloween but I was also in grad school.
15. You own an entire season of something animated
Yep.
16. You own several seasons of animated shows
I own MANY seasons. Most of which would fly over a younger audience’s head.
17. You prefer Star Trek to Star Wars
Not I (says the little black duck)
18. You have a preference
I do have a preference.
19. You’ve seen more than two Trek films
Sadly…
20. You’ve read a Star Wars or Star Trek book
I’ve read MANY Star Wars books.
21. You’ve bought the collector’s edition of ANY video game
Several times – I wanted the collectible tin, dammit! I can store all sorts of cute things…I’m not helping my case, am I?
22. You’ve modded your game
I’ve modded several. Modding consists of adding user created files to a commercial product. For example, the Tolkien-esque game I’ve been playing now has Stormtrooper armor in it…
23. You’ve created a mod
This I have not done…yet.
24. You’ve written a walkthrough
I have written a guide on how to best beat a game and find its many secrets.
25. You know how many pokemon appeared in the original game
It’s sort of a trick question because you needed both the Red and Blue versions to “catch them all.” Stop laughing at me.
26. You can name more than Pikachu
Squirtle, Charmander, and Bulbasaur were the three starting options of Red and Blue.
27. You knew that the original game came in more than one version
Red and Blue – eventually Yellow was released allowing Pikachu, the series most popular character, to be used from the start.
29. You know why the internet is for porn
It’s a video on youtube – if you see anything other than video game characters from WoW you’re at the wrong one.
30. You know who Charlie the Unicorn is:
Also on youtube – check it out.
31. You’ve played WoW
Millions have.
32. You can identify what “WoW” stands for
World of Warcraft.
33. You’ve played video games for more than 2 hours straight
Yes.
34. More than six hours
Yes.
35. More than 10 hours
Yes.
36. More than 16
Close.
37. You didn’t eat or pee during that time
Yes.
38. You’re a guy and you prefer to play female characters
I don’t prefer it but I certainly have – I look so fetching in my armor!
39. You’ve ever hit on another guy just to remain in character
I haven’t – but I’ve seen it done…waaaaay too often.
40. You’ve held a character sheet
Yes.
41. You filled out that character sheet
Yes.
42. You have a fond memory of rolling a 20
I killed a dragon!
43. You know what a GM is
Game Master – roleplaying term.
44. You know what Atari and Commodore 64 are
Video game system, crappy computer/game system.
45. You can remember thinking they were awesome
Too awesome for me to afford.
46. You know the Mario and Zelda themes by heart
I do – I got excited at my graduation when the pipe organ player veered dangerously close to the Zelda theme.
47. You know who Toad is and you’re sick of him telling you the princess is in another castle
Toad is the mushroom-headed “person” who tells you the princess you’re trying to save in Mario Bros. is in another castle – you see him 7 times…before any sequels.
48. You know the primary weapon of the Castlevania games
A whip. That’s the kinkiest thing nerds like me will ever experience.
49. You own a Weird Al song.
Yes.
50. You own more than one.
Yes.
51. You own several of his cds
Guilty.
52. You’ve ever made lightsaber noises with your mouth
…shut your mouth…
53. You’ve argued whether superman or batman would win in a fight
Batman, obviously.
54. You’ve played a tabletop strategy game
I didn’t just play it – I kicked ass.
55. You know that Sabertooth and Wolverine are NOT BROTHERS
Have you guessed that they’re not brothers yet?
56. You hate the Resident Evil films for not sticking with canon
When a zombie video game is too cerebral for American audiences something is very, very wrong.
57. You know the canon of RE
Like the back of my zombie-blasting hand.
58. You know that the Legend of Zelda games are really about Link
But Link is all about Zelda!
59. You’ve seen Robot Chicken
It’s an animated show involving toys and improbably scenarios. It’s awesome beyond words.
60. You know what food Bush is obsessed with in Robot Chicken sketches
Tacos – followed closely by pretending to be a Jedi.
61. You think the 80′s had the best toys and cartoons EVER
You don’t think it, you KNOW it.
62. You’ve seen Akira
It’s an anime.
63. You’ve played more than 10 games
This month.
64. You’ve beaten more than ten
This month.
65. None of those games were Halo
I hate Halo.
66. You’ve seen Red Vs. Blue
It’s very funny – check youtube. “It looks more like a Puma.”    “How many times do I need to tell you to stop making up animals?” “You can’t pick up chicks in a tank!”
67. You like the “Heroes” TV show
It’s alright.
68. Your computer weighs more than you do
It used to – it weighs 150lbs.
69. You’ve ever subscribed to a gaming magazine
Several even.
70. You’ve received a soft-core porn mag and been disappointed it wasn’t a gaming magazine
Even worse – I thought it was a news magazine and was disappointed it wasn’t.
71. Your favorite centerfold consists of hardware specs
A man can dream, can’t he? But can he afford…that’s the rub!
72. You’ve ever heard a joke about tentacle beasts and school girls
This is reference to a common occurrence in Anime, Manga, and Hentai of school girls getting attacked by grope-happy beasts with tentacles. Don’t you just feel all creeped out and educated?
73. You know more than 20 Japanese words and you learned them all from “cartoons”
25% of them are impolite.
74. You know that “XP” is a good thing and that it has nothing to do with Microsoft
Experience points – bread of butter of the nerdish crusader. I’m a  level 24 Rogue!
75. You own dice that have more than six sides
Guilty.
76. You own dice with 4 to 20 sides
Guilty.
77. You’ve had a LAN party
Guilty.
78. You love Starcraft
Used to.
79. You’re still playing Starcraft online
Nope – but South Korea is!
80. You know what gaming company Blizzard steals all its source material from
Gamesworkshop – they’re British and they make tabletop strategy games.
81. You’ve ever painted a miniature for your “army”
Necrons – think terminators lead by a star-devouring demi-god.
82. You’ve dumped more than $10 bucks into an arcade machine
The one situation where throwing money at the problem is the answer.
83. You own a game soundtrack
One.
84. You prefer your movies subbed to dubbed
I do – better translation, usually.
85. You can quote Monty Python’s Quest for the Holy Grail
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
86. You quote it regularly
I’m not a newt!
87. You quote cartoons
Look, Trent, I made you a playmate.
88. You quote cartoons and your friends laugh
They’re guilty.
89. You’ve heard Chuck Norris jokes
The quickest way to a man’s heart is Chuck Norris’ fist.
90. You’ve been ganked
Ganking is term reserved for when…imagine you’re a baby and an adult just punted you and declared that a great, moral victory – that’s being ganked.
92. You speak l33t
It’s hacker/nerd speak – l33t = leet = Elite. It also refers to common abbreviations and purposeful misspellings by gamers. Fro rly, lolz.
93. You know why Captain Kirk is smiling when he’s putting on his boots
He just had sex.
94. You speak Klingon
Thanks heavens no.
95. You know who Luke married
Mara Jade. It’s from the books and yes, I know I’m a total nerd.
97. You’ve been called a nerd and considered it to be a compliment
I’ve been called many things and mostly considered them compliments – odd, scary, freakish, adorable, cute, pretty, nice, hansom, smart, cuddly, and weird to name a few.
98. You’ve been called a nerd and it turned you on
No – but a girl once said she thought GI Joe was the most awesome cartoon ever and I almost proposed on the spot.
99. You were called nerd by someone who expected it to be a turn on
Not I.
100. You’ve ever played a dating sim
I’ve played several games with them incorporated, yes. It was kind of like watching a movie and not only rooting for two people to fall in love but actively guiding them towards that outcome – often with hilarity ensuing.

Another night where I’m awake at 3am – I’ve become a vampire without the benefit of strength, immortality, or a bonus to my charisma. If you get any or all of that, you may be a nerd. Here are some helpful warning signs that you might need to seek medical attention for a raging case of nerd-brain (it’s like a tumor that makes 95% of the opposite sex cringe at your approach).

EDIT: the answers/explanations for these will come in the next blog.

1. You know who Akira Kurosawa is. +2
2. You can name at least three of his works. +5
3. You know how many Final Fantasy games there are. +2
4. You have a favorite FF game. +5
5. You’ve ever hidden in a cardboard box and snickered “I’m Solid Snake, tee-hee.” +30
6. You know what the heck I’m referring to. +5
7. You’ve heard Dragonforce. +5
8. You’ve got more than one friend who LIKES Dragonforce. +10
9. You know the difference between Manga, Anime, and Hentai. +10
10. You’d be offended if any of them were referred to as “cartoons”. +15
11. You’ve ever dressed up as a cartoon, sci-fi, or fantasy character. +1
12. It wasn’t Halloween when you did that. +5
13. You did it for a convention. +5
14. You made your own costume. +20
15. You own an entire season of something animated. +1
16. You own several seasons of animated shows. +5
17. You prefer Star Trek to Star Wars. +5
18. You have a preference. +5
19. You’ve seen more than two Trek films. +5
20. You’ve read a Star Wars or Star Trek book. +10
21. You’ve bought the collector’s edition of ANY video game: +10
22. You’ve modded your game. +10
23. You’ve created a mod. +30
24. You’ve written a walkthrough. +30
25. You know how many pokemon appeared in the original game. +10
26. You can name more than Pikachu. +10
27. You knew that the original game came in more than one version. +10
28. You wanted to correct me about that. +10
29. You know why the internet is for porn. +10
30. You know who Charlie the Unicorn is: +1
31. You’ve played WoW. +1
32. You can identify what “WoW” stands for. +5
33. You’ve played video games for more than 2 hours straight. +1
34. More than six hours. +5
35. More than 10 hours. +10
36. More than 16. +20
37. You didn’t eat or pee during that time. +50
38. You’re a guy and you prefer to play female characters. +10
39. You’ve ever hit on another guy just to remain in character. +20
40. You’ve held a character sheet. +10
41. You filled out that character sheet. +10
42. You have a fond memory of rolling a 20. +20
43. You know what a GM is. +10
44. You know what Atari and Commodore 64 are. +5
45. You can remember thinking they were awesome. +10
46. You know the Mario and Zelda themes by heart. +5
47. You know who Toad is and you’re sick of him telling you the princess is in another castle. +5
48. You know the primary weapon of the Castlevania games. +10
49. You own a Weird Al song. +1
50. You own more than one. +5
51. You own several of his cds. +10
52. You’ve ever made lightsaber noises with your mouth. +1
53. You’ve argued whether superman or batman would win in a fight. +5
54. You’ve played a tabletop strategy game. +10
55. You know that Sabertooth and Wolverine are NOT BROTHERS. +10
56. You hate the Resident Evil films for not sticking with canon. +10
57. You know the canon of RE. +20
58. You know that the Legend of Zelda games are really about Link. +10
59. You’ve seen Robot Chicken. +1
60. You know what food Bush is obsessed with in Robot Chicken sketches. +5
61. You think the 80′s had the best toys and cartoons EVER. +10
62. You’ve seen Akira. +10
63. You’ve played more than 10 games. +5
64. You’ve beaten more than ten. +10
65. None of those games were Halo. +1
66. You’ve seen Red Vs. Blue. +1
67. You like the “Heroes” TV show. +1
68. Your computer weighs more than you do. +10
69. You’ve ever subscribed to a gaming magazine. +10
70. You’ve received a soft-core porn mag and been disappointed it wasn’t a gaming magazine. +20
71. Your favorite centerfold consists of hardware specs. +20
72. You’ve ever heard a joke about tentacle beasts and school girls. +10
73. You know more than 20 Japanese words and you learned them all from “cartoons”. +10
74. You know that “XP” is a good thing and that it has nothing to do with Microsoft. +10
75. You own dice that have more than six sides. +10
76. You own dice with 4 to 20 sides. +20
77. You’ve had a LAN party. +10
78. You love Starcraft. +10
79. You’re still playing Starcraft online. +10
80. You know what gaming company Blizzard steals all its source material from. +20
81. You’ve ever painted a miniature for your “army”. +10
82. You’ve dumped more than $10 bucks into an arcade machine. +10
83. You own a game soundtrack. +5
84. You prefer your movies subbed to dubbed. +5
85. You can quote Monty Python’s Quest for the Holy Grail. +5
86. You quote it regularly. +5
87. You quote cartoons. +5
88. You quote cartoons and your friends laugh. +5
89. You’ve heard Chuck Norris jokes. +5
90. You’ve been ganked. +5
91. You know what being ganked implies. +5
92. You speak l33t. +5
93. You know why Captain Kirk is smiling when he’s putting on his boots. +10
94. You speak Klingon. +50
95. You know who Luke married. +20
96. You immediately thought of Luke Skywalker when I said “Luke”. +10
97. You’ve been called a nerd and considered it to be a compliment. +5
98. You’ve been called a nerd and it turned you on. +10
99. You were called nerd by someone who expected it to be a turn on. +20
100. You’ve ever played a dating sim. +20

Diagnosis
0-20: Major Deficit. Your body is so lacking in nerdiness that you may be in danger of dying as a total jerk. You’re either older than 40 or someone who spends 90% of their time looking in a mirror to check out for tan-lines and roid-zits.
21-75: Diluted. You’ve got just enough nerd to avoid jerkdom but you’re probably an old fogey or a church mouse. TV and pop-culture are the devil to you or you’re too busy educating yourself in things that matter to bother with such pursuits as entertainment and fun.
76-200: Minor Case. You’re probably in a healthy place here. You’ve got a bit of nerd but not enough to make you unwashed and/or scary. You’ve probably friends you see face to face every once in a while. You could probably be exposed to nerds without running screaming from the room but you’re definitely not one.
201-400: Infected. You’re a nerd. Not a major one but you are of their ilk. Don’t deny – you know it to be true! Join the Dark Side – we’ve got cookies.
401-800: Major Infection. You’re screwed. If you’re not an insanely hot woman people are probably going to avoid you because you’re dripping with nerdy knowledge and behavior. If you happen to be a hot woman and are this nerdy you will probably be worshiped as a goddess. If you’re a guy and this nerdy…you’ll probably be rich if you’ve got the charisma to match your nerd cred.
800+: Plague Bearer. You will die a virgin. You will die in your parents’ basement or attic. You will die stained by Cheetos and smelling like someone who doesn’t bathe or understand the wonders of deodorant. Your hair is long and greasy and when you go outside people can’t decide whether you’re going to try to rape them or if you’re retarded. If you’ve attained this level of nerd exposure and somehow not had your outer shell warp to match the chaos you’ve absorbed you might possibly make a very likable person. But that’s a long shot so just go back to trolling forums that only the Major Infection-type nerds visit and remind them that you’re so much better than them.

They’ve forgotten.

Son of a biscuit throwing cow! I just had to delete hours of updating crap on my computer because the “advancements” cause the freaking program to crash, and crash, and CRASH. You’d swear that Microsoft was pumping out games nowadays…

President McRacistpants gave a half-assed apology excuse yesterday for his racist and ignorant remarks about his buddy and the cop who busted him. Former President Bush would’ve been crucified – twice…sideways…and then set on fire…his ashes cooled with urine and then pooped on. All of that would then be scooped into a paper bag and placed on Cheney’s doorstep. Stompy, stompy, yes?

Oh glorious Obamnisiah, please grant us wisdom in understanding your racist non-racism! Teach us how to translate your words so that you look all sparkly and shiny regardless of what is said. In your glorious, sexy image we trust, amen. P.S., please take off your shirt and make the ladies squeal – it makes me giggle. Also, granteth me your divine toning of the muscles and the strength to resist my desire to set myself on fire and hug all your detractors. Love, Bizarro Ames.

I honestly didn’t expect our golden calf to implode so quickly. Logic Moses came back down the mountain really damn fast. Not fast enough to stop the media’s orgy of worship but fast enough to stop Russia from nuking us into a permanently glowing ember. Yes, a single ember. Well, I’ll technically survive as a monstrous terror melded with a computer and roaming the wastes in search of biological matter to imbibe but that ember will be all that’s initially left save me. I’ll drag myself towards Canada where I’ll quickly overwhelm as six members of the Canadian military. I won’t be eating Canada but will instead become the largest tumor on their ailing medical system. In exchange I’ll grant them the Cold Fusion technology that my newly sentient bowels summoned from their dark recesses.

Implausible? I’d take note of your objections if you weren’t going to be vapor in the near, alternate future. Oh crap – I forgot that Obama had shot himself in the foot and hobbled his chances of turning me into a clean energy source that runs on babies. I didn’t mention that I’ll eat babies? Well it’s not like many of you were keeping them anyway! Waste not, hunger not, I always say.

I’m a little disappointed that I won’t be a roaming mass of WTF??? but at least I can laugh myself giddy as my apocalyptic predictions of Obama’s downfall come into being with startling swiftness. Now I just need to cross my fingers that as he drowns in his own lies that’ll he’ll drag Congress to the darkest depths with him. He might still prove to be our savior all though in a backward, unintended manner. Let’s watch who swims out to save him and then, as in the joke by Dane Cook, light the surface of the waters and punch in the face anyone coming up for air.

GET BACK IN THE FIERY WATER.

I’ll probably post something that isn’t a silly rant later.

When Obama spoke of being a “post-racial” candidate I was skeptical. I wasn’t skeptical because of anything that he’d said but rather because of who he spent his time with – guilty by association, if you will. I was also skeptical because I know that bias is a very natural error that most if not all humans fall into from time to time. Somewhat shamefully, I admit my own bias was to assume that he was a racist BECAUSE he was/is black – my own experiences with Americans of African descent has either been excellent or extremely negative and our minds, for our protection, tend to remember the negative extremes.

I’ve experienced a little racism here and there and seen it exhibited by all groupings. Ironically, the white racism I’ve seen is mostly directed at other white groups. Living in the Chicago area, I hear a lot of crap said about Polish people. Having had a best friend who was Polish, and not just a little Polish, I tend to try not to get drawn into the discussion – he and his family are the exact opposite of what is described. When I hear people bad mouthing any particular group of people my mind tends to wander to the friends I’ve had from said group and I wonder if the people talking are ignorant or have only had negative experiences with whoever they’re maligning.

I’ve had many Asian and African friends and I was partly raised in the military and in Europe so my boundaries and biases aren’t typical for my “neck of the woods”. A mentor and friend of mine is the same shade of brown as our President but it isn’t him who my mind wanders to when “black” and “race” are the discussion. Sadly, my mind wanders to some assholes I’d have liked to have punched in college. They made race an issue whenever they could but the reason they were disliked was because they were aggressive and disrespectful to everyone who was outside their clique. Their race and “our” race wasn’t the issue – nobody likes a jerk save other jerks.

Part of what I found so offensive about them was that they made race and issue. Because of my background, I’m not colorblind but I am color-interested. I love experiencing different cultures and ways of thinking and it excites me when I have a chance to share and be shared with. I like to integrate what I find valuable to create my own, individual culture. In some sense I have to because I neither belong to America or Europe and yet I’m from both. So when I’m reacted to as a “white guy” I tend to get confused and feel hurt. It’s almost comical how shocking I find the revelation I’m white to be.

Back to the offense. They treated me with no respect which was annoying – I just assumed they were ill-mannered. But then they treated my sister like shit because they found out she wasn’t “one of them.” You see, my sister is much darker than I am despite being “white” so she can easily pass for…just about everything “different” with African and Asian being the exceptions. When they discovered she wasn’t Hispanic (which she never claimed, for the record) they became hostile and frequently would play the race card. She turned one down for a date and the race card was played IMMEDIATELY. She came to me in tears because they’d rejected her when she thought they were friends.

All because of race. Her skin color was right for their group but her ancestry wasn’t – she was a white girl regardless of her brown skin. My sister prefers to hang out with minorities because that’s what she is. Despite her “whiteness” she’s a bit of an odd duck because we weren’t raised in America until we were nearly teens. But race separates her from people despite her love of differences.

So when people play the race card I get triggered and triggered deeply. A friend of mine had her son harassed by the CPD because he was black and in an upscale neighborhood – his. I mad for her and sad for the police because it only takes one racist asshole to scar a mind with prejudice towards a group. I’ve been fortunate to have known awesome people of almost everyone background so I can correct myself when I start thinking racially – but I’m disappointed that I need to correct myself. I echo King’s desire to live in a world where men and women aren’t judged by their skin or ancestry but by the content of their character.

I hope I’ll see a day when white is just my wrapper and “American” is how we refer to every race that strengthens our shores. And if I hear one more “white people this” or “black people that speech I’m going to kill someone – with disdain. “White” describes a hell of a lot of people and I’ve yet to meet an Asian who wasn’t WAY whiter than me. I probably could if I looked though – “Asian” covers a lot of people…

He didn’t arrest your friend for being black, he arrested your friend for being a belligerent ass.

Jesus hadn’t technically saved anyone until he was crucified. So if Obama is our savior, shouldn’t we nail him to a cross to save our nation? I mean, as long as we don’t light it on fire it isn’t racist, right?

I know there are flaws large enough to easily sail an aircraft carrier through that argument but…I make funny joke, yes?

I’m sure some would say “no – you aren’t funny. Go be useful and die beneath a tree.”

Obama and Bush are two sides to the same coin – on one side you’ve got a face, on the other you’ve got an eagle. Obama has charisma, Bush had a hawkish nature. But both of them are being spent in a slot machine by their particular party. I’m fairly certain Pelosi could unhinge her jaw and swallow someone and that wouldn’t be enough to corner that woman. What she lacks in looks and brains she more than makes up for with tenacious survival instincts.

Hillary, on the other hand , has brains to spare. Has anyone else noticed how low she’s keeping her head? When the Democratic party implodes in 2010 and 2012 she will, if she keeps this up, emerge unscathed. I don’t agree with her politics but damn if she doesn’t know politics – she could teach that kid in the Oval Office a thing or two if she didn’t loathe him so much. She probably giggles herself to sleep at night as she thinks about how screwed Obama is. If he’d waited an election or two to get his chops maybe he’d be more than just a good liar.

Hillary is a survivor.

I won’t say I predicted Obama’s inability to change anything for the better or his lack of bipartisan support because TONS of people saw it coming. I can’t say McCain would have been better because we’ll never know. All we do know is that Obama’s approval ratings are lower than Bush’s at this juncture in his presidency and plenty of people were still harping that he’d stolen the election – and Bush didn’t even have the charisma of Obama. Bush was our evil idiot – what will Obama become known as?

He’s still the Golden Boy, for all I can tell. Even with the growing displeasure with his job performance, HE is still rather popular. It’s like having a kid brother who you love to death but can’t trust near any of your valuables because he’s likely to break them.

Son of a bitch, Jimmy! That was my collectable Elvis high-fiving Jesus diorama! Why do you hate me?

I’m very frustrated. There are a lot of things besides the state of our country that are troubling me but I feel better capable of changing those so I’m less likely to vent that angst through sarcasm and jackassery. Bush was considered a bully and Obama is no better – the only difference is which side is taking the beating. So the Left is largely happy, mostly grumbling that they’d prefer Obama even farther left (give him time), and the Right is off in a corner crying that life isn’t fair. If you exchange Left with Right then you’ve got the story of the Bush administration up until 2006 when Congress switched hands.

The current Congress is largely at fault for this nation’s ills. And the Republican party is at fault for doing such a terrible job that “anybody but Bush” seemed like a good idea. Bush is the scapegoat who keeps on giving. Congress, if not his own administration, has done a fine job of tar-babying him to just about everything under the sun. I’m fairly sure Bush is actually a baby because he does in fact cause brain cancer, AIDS, and the modernized White Man’s Burden. Which, by the way, is being white – it’s so hard being filled with so much hate and racism all the time!

Gives me gas.

From what I’ve see on TV and the internet, if you corner an Obama supporter he or she will throw the Bushman up and hide their idol while you try to figure out what the hell Bush has to do with what was just said. By the time you’re done admitting that Bush is a retard they’re smugly nodding their heads like Obama and Congress are fated to fail because of him. Didn’t “we” elect Obama to undo what Bush did? Didn’t he campaign on promises of change? As far as I can tell, all we got was Bizarro Bush. Wait a minute!

It all makes sense now – Obama IS Bizarro Bush! He comes from an alternate dimension where black men inhabit Europe and established a slave trade in America where they exported whites to Africa (after killing off most of the Asians) to farm cancer-defeating tobacco. Islam is the dominant religion, Christians blow themselves up in the name of Zombie Jesus, and black men feel terribly guilty about being black but at the same time can’t help but think “Lazy Blancs” whenever they see a poor, white woman with a bajillion kids, no food, and a big screen television in the background.

They’ve got the same huge, goofy ears! Of course this proves Obama was born in the United States – of Bizarro World. Bum bum BUM!!!! How’s that for a plot twist, M. Night Shamalamdingdong?

It should be noted that Bizarro Hitler was still a major douche.

This explains why Obama seems hellbent on applying concepts to America that have failed everywhere else – they work where he’s from. Although where he’s from Scientology makes perfect sense and Santa and his elves terrorize children 364 days a year. I’d suggest bringing Bizarro Obama over here but that’s Kevin Federline.

And there are enough racist morons with no ability to properly spend money in Washington already.

Bizarro Britney Spears was recently rejected from the Bizarro Supreme Court because she openly testified that she didn’t think that race and gender had anything to do with wise decisions. Bizzaro Al Gore actually invented the internet – but he still lost the election to someone widely panned as a retard.

Bizarro JJ is a hippie hugging abortion provider who goes to bed before 4am. He never mentions unicorns, rainbows, or fluffy bunnies and all his blogs are typo free.

My dad’s still in the hospital – pain issues but nothing serious. Should be home today – should.

Savior Obama Superstar’s poll numbers are dropping like the stock numbers after one of his speeches. I’d laugh if he were the root instead of just a branch of the problem. The Feds have been bunked up with big business more often than a hooker on fleet week but it seems like Congress is doing a good job of making sure the President fries for them regardless of whether he’s a Republican or Democrat.

Congress, people – it’s Congress who is making and passing the bills screwing our nation over for greed! Obama is a tool in a more literal sense and maybe once the puppet gets sick of the strings he’ll turn into a real President instead of the spokesmen for Green/d Co. U.S.A.

Enjoying being a slave to the Man? Congress certainly can’t get enough milk from that tit. They’re thinking about supplementing their diet with blood from turnips – they’re already well on their way to sucking everything else dry.

Emphasis on the word “sucking”

Watch what the government is trying to sell you – there’s a lobbying group looking for dollars, not for change, behind just about everything. Al Gore is heavily invested in the technologies we’re trying to cram down American industry’s throats. He and his pals stand to makes hundreds of millions on climate change reforms. Now you might just say they’re putting their money where their mouth is but I’d say you’ve got the cart before the horse – and point out that their mouths aren’t visiting China, South America, or India to truly create any change in the world’s biggest polluters. A major contributing factor to their pollution numbers is Western industry fleeing the suffocating regulations of Western law – which, as usual, has delightfully hypocritical loopholes.

If there were loopholes this large in Old Testament Law we wouldn’t need Jesus – we’d just need a lawyer and a total lack of conscience.

Babies cause guilt – kill the babies!

I recommend butter. For eating them. Jonathan Swift. Babies. Eat them. Overpopulation and food crisis solved with a single, delicious bullet. That or we could try not having sex – but I heard that virginity causes ethnic violence in Africa so scrap that idea. Sex brings peace to the world – ignore Jerry Springer and Maury Povich!

Public Service Announcement: Folks, tired of Christians shaking their Bibles at you and then burning your friends at the stake? Tired of people waking up before noon on Sunday mornings and acting all happy like they’re not just as hungover as you are? Tough shit – if you’d just killed baby Jesus when you had the chance those snooty bastards wouldn’t be singing tone-deaf songs to tunes that were trendy fifty years ago at oh-hell-no thirty in the morning. I don’t want to hear excuses about a virgin giving birth – you should have known Jesus would be Jewish and from an unwed teen mother. You shouldn’t have relied on Romans to do what a good, old-fashioned, hypocritical stoning would have taken care of.

You dropped the ball but let that serve as a warning: Babies ARE the problem. Hitler was a baby – my logic is flawless!

Babies: they’ll grow into the mustache.

With that lesson learned, let’s talk about Global Warming. Folks, I know I look like an average guy in a suit who just happens to have a pipe in hand all the time, but I’m actually just like you – I’m part of the 99th percentile. And because I’m a genius, I know you’re my kind of people – white, rich, and rich because you’re white. Are you enjoying your blond hair? I am – it’s what powers my 180 IQ. My piercing blue eyes are what rip through the fabric of space time and see a future where rainbows wipe our asses and unicorns nuzzle us until we awaken each morning. But that future will only come about if you listen to the 99% – you must listen to Al Gore.

See, as I get up from this “average Joe” seated position on my desk, I want you to know I’m just like you. I’m down to earth, hip, and cool. Look at how much of my ankle is showing when I sit down – would a “square’s” pants ride this high above the belly button? Hah-ha, of course not. As I gesture to you with this pipe, don’t you feel that you can trust my wisdom? You should – I’m a fucking genius.

Look at these charts here. Now you might be thinking “Hey – I don’t get any of that funny colored graphs and stuff!” and I’d say “Of course not – you’re a minority” which also makes you the majority of stupid people. Now you might be thinking that’s a terrible thing to say – but you’d be wrong. Why? Because I’M the fucking genius and I’M the one who’s going to save the world. You just sit down and open your ears like a good woman would.

Now I’m not going to explain to you how it works so much as tell you that it’s the only way that works and you’re going to buy it – or I’m going to call you a retard and call into question your parentage. Then I’m going to join my genius friends and laugh at your stupidity – maybe we’ll publish a paper consisting entirely of our laughter.

All of this to say that Global Warming is the greatest threat facing our generation – it isn’t racism, sexism, nuclear war, war in general, or rampant profiteering disguised as philanthropy. Now you run along and fix me a sandwich or cut my grass – whatever lower life form you happen to belong to.

If you found any of this offensive please note that Obama and his cronies consider their detractors to be drooling inbreeds of the most racist and ignorant sort. I simply changed the color and tone of the asshole to a more familiar, politically correct sort. Because, as we all know, whites are the devil and everyone else is the innocent victim of millions of years of their oppression. Back when the dinosaurs roamed the earth, Colonel McWhitepants enslaved them until Christianpox gave them AIDS and they all died of the Swinefluwarming. Which made them preggers.

Ever noticed you’ve butchered the spelling of a word or used the wrong one and die inside? I’m dying. Here’s my confession – I used “succeeded” instead of “seceded.” To say that I feel like a stupid ass would be an understatement. Many gnomes died for that error – their families died for my embarrassment!

Maybe my problem is that I’m trusting gnomes to check my writing – they’re about as vetted as Obama. I make funny joke! Joke only funny if you’re not living in America…

Another funny joke is that Honduras followed its Constitution by outing their former president. Our government, along with several socialist dictatorships, cried foul because it was a military coup but that’s probably only because they’re afraid the American military would back its Constitution rather than its government. You see, the Honduran constitution only allows for ONE four year term and the president isn’t allowed to amend the constitution. The guy who got kicked out was trying to change the constitution so he could have another term – so the military stepped in and now he’s out. But we and several other nations are putting pressure on Honduras to put their wannabe dictator back in power.

W-T-F???

Here’s a little history lesson in our interfering with South American politics – we SUCK at it. We’ve rarely backed the right pony and even when we have it’s been such a ham-fisted attempt that we looked like assholes to the very people we were trying to aid. On top of that, our help always comes with economic strings attached (at least when it comes to South America). History lesson #2, politics in South America frequently consist of cycling between a military regime and a socialist/populist/dictatorship – the people get fed up with one loser who promised reform and end up with another. This cycle has been repeating since the Spanish were booted out and it’s sad and disgusting how much those countries have suffered.

Imperialism may have started the fire but it’s jerks with guns who’ve kept it blazing. And many of those jerks laughingly claim to represent the people and to uphold socialism. They’re very U.S.S.R. in their thinking – as we increasingly seem to be.

History Lesson #3 – we watched the U.S.S.R. collapse beneath its own weight and somehow the West has decided to dabble in the very things that caused our equals, if not betters, to fail. The Reds didn’t fail because they were stupid or backward but because they were corrupt and cold in their treatment of people. They limited freedom of religion, expression, and finance and even with their cruel and exacting measures they weren’t able to wring enough energy from their countless numbers to defeat our tiny populace. We may have a ton of land but we’ve got next to no people living here in comparison to Old World countries. We’ve got elbow room to spare.

But your ass had better be here legally or you should be deported on your homeland’s dime. If we deported people at the cost of their own government maybe our neighbors would enact stricter controls of their porous borders.

And why the heck doesn’t spellcheck recognize Obama’s name? He’s been the bloody president for six month but we can’t be bothered to put five letters in that particular order into the system? Sheesh!

California is going bankrupt – guess how much the teacher’s union in CA squeezes from the government each year? If you guessed “60 Billion?” then you’ve probably already heard the figures. If CA’s teacher’s union is anything like NY’s then there are hundreds of thousands of dollars being spent to keep bad teachers (some of whom are only sitting on their thumbs).

Churches in Iraq are being bombed. From July 11th to the 13th nine bombs explode, wounding 56 and killing 4. It’s not news because Christians were killed – it would be news if Christians did the killing. It’d be plastered everywhere.

A Saudi funded school in Fairfax, Va. with strong links to terrorism is expanding with the blessing of the county’s zoning commission. The school features textbooks with “overt exhortations to violence”, according to the U.S. Commission on International Religious Freedom (USCIRF). If they’re anything akin to the textbooks I last heard the Saudis were printing, Jews are pigs, Americans are monkeys, and Christians are dogs – all of which have a violent death coming to them. Yeehaw!

The Episcopal Church has officially outed itself and ostracized large portions of its core. Openly homosexual members are free to fill any position within the church. I’m sure the church is looking for a new editor for their Bibles – a lot of strange typos in there.

The U.N. contributed 6.8 billion dollars last year to population control in China. Population control in China, if you’re not aware, involves the forced termination of a) any pregnancy past the first and b) the forced termination of pregnacies in rural areas (it’s undesirable to have “hick babies” running around, yes?). American funding, which had been stopped by President Bush, was put back in place by President Obortion during his first week in office – to the tune of 50 million dollars. That may sound chaste, given our government’s love of spending, but globally they’re funding abortion to the tune of 628.5 million a year. Our country is up to its eyeballs in debt and trouble and we’re paying over half a billion bucks a year to countries who stomp on human and women’s rights.

Babies – they cause AIDS, cancer, and war. Without babies there’d be no wars!

A Stafford, Va. prison extensively edited a letter from an inmate to his mother. What did they cut? What he quoted from the Bible.

Code Red: The Romans new Jesus was a terrorist! And we’re the new Rome, right? Who’s up for an orgy, a feast, and then some good ol’ fashioned purging? I think I feel vomit coming up right now!

Apparently getting high on opium makes sheep and wallabies run around in circles – who knew?
I’m not making that up – they do.

But back to America – we’re all that matters, right? Even if that were true, we’re doing a terrible disservice to ourselves by letting Obama and Congress romp around throwing cash at every problem. Cash doesn’t address the fundamental issues at hand – human greed. And further regulation won’t solve that either as regulation a) hurts everyone and b) almost always has a loophole the corrupt exploit. We don’t teach kids about ethics until they reach college – doesn’t that seem a bit late? I feel like Washington, the schools, and the business world live by the “don’t get caught” principle rather than the “do what’s right” one.

Raise up a child in the way he should go and he will not stray from it – I can’t name how many psychological studies support such simple, ancient wisdom.

EDIT: forgot to mention the surgery on my dad went well and he should be back home for the recovery process later today.

Change – Obama promised it and he’s delivered! Glad he only vaguely defined change or I’d have a hard time crediting him with anything but screwing the pooch.

Change: Obama reversed several holds on federal funding of abortion. On the bright side, he didn’t take steps to tax babies…yet.
Same: Obama hasn’t touched “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. Don’t ask him when he’s going to do anything and he won’t have to tell you to shut up and wait.

Change: Obama has set up several groups to make the government more transparent. As for what “transparency” is in their dictionary, that isn’t very clear. Did you see that? I made a joke! How very transparent of me to explain that!
Same: Obama has kept the list of White House visitors secret, something he bashed Bush for, hushed several investigations, and offered confusing and incomplete information to the public. I love the transparent nature of stone walls!

Change: Obama has created more jobs. Look how big our government is growing – just like a 250lbs toddler! Don’t you just want to bitch-slap his parents (and our government) for taking such poor care of their child? ARE YOU PLANNING ON EATING HIM??? …can i haz some too?
Same: Unemployment outside the government continues to grow as the economy struggles for breathe beneath the meaty hands of the overweight toddler that rules us. “Where’s my lunch? I WANT LUNCH!!!” he screams in our face. “We’d feed you lunch, honey, but you ate your dad and he made all the money.” The solution to being partially orphaned? Eat your mother - that way you won’t starve immediately. *headsmack*

Change! The Supreme Court gets less “Cracker-fied”
Same: A bigoted racist gets a lifetime position on the highest court in the nation. Go back to Europe, white bread!

Change: “Troops” are being sent to our borders!
Same: They’re not allowed to do anything or carry guns…wth?

Change: No new taxes!
Same: We’re having the crap taxed out of us and then we’re being taxed for crapping and then we’re taxed for paying taxes which is finally followed by a laundry list of additional taxes. I do believe D.C. just passed a tax bill where everyone needs to 10k for every Biden gaff, dead hooker, or drunk driving stop.

Change: We’re leaving Iraq!
Same: Iran and N. Korea are lining up for an ass-kicking and we’re feebly swatting at them like an effete child. Launching missiles? Shame on you! Violently putting down protesters of your rigged election? *taking notes for 2012*

Change: We’re going to fix this country – money is no obstacle!
Same: Democrats are taxing and spending like that‘s their job

Change: We’re bipartisan now!
Same: Unless you disagree with Obama or the majority in which case we’re going Democrat! Nyah-nyah! Whatcha going to do about it, Republicans? Why’d you pin your hopes on a Cougar and a Dinosaur? We pinned ours on a chimp and a wolf in sheep’s clothing. No, no – we’re not being racist! Obama is the wolf – shouldn’t it be obvious that Biden is the monkey we lead around for laughs? His ears and common racial slurs? Oh! I get it now – that’s funny. I’ll have to use that the next time there aren’t any black people are around…you’re still recording this. You wouldn’t happen to be a hooker, would you? Wanna go hunting? This guy I used to know showed us a neat trick…

Change: Post-racial society!
Same: We’re still a bunch of hypocritical racists! Weeeeee!

Change: No more wiretapping and unconstitutional actions by our government! And by “no” I mean “nothing is being reported by any major sources and the policies raged against by a previous senator and now his bread a butter and he LOVES the butter – slather it on!”
Same: Our government and media are lying to us – only now it isn’t news.

Change: We’re socialists now!
Same: Socialism is failing everyone but the government and crooks. And the only difference between the two is that what the government does is “legal”.

Change: Obama says the NAACP has propelled a black man into office after a century of effort and now needs to focus on helping other maligned group like gays, Latinos, and Muslims.
Same: Being racist against whites and Asians – awesome. Being sexist towards women but especially hateful of conservative ones – double awesome and sexy. Let’s throw in some tantalizing objectification! David Letterman and Playboy did it – and they’re the height of class! And let’s not forget to belittle and mistreat Christians – their faith obviously doesn’t receive enough shit to be labeled as maligned or in need of protection. They’re only persecuted and killed in almost every Muslim and Hindu nation in the world. And they certainly aren’t portrayed as idiots and monsters here in a America – we hold them up as exemplars! Yes, let’s hold them up on those crosses for all to see!

Muslims are loving people and saying anything different is ignorant and bigoted. Christians are hateful people and their bigotry cannot be tolerated by modern society. They must learn to tolerate people of other beliefs and to teach them this desired behavior we should ridicule and belittle them.

Change: Our money is quickly becoming worthless because we’re printing it like mad with increasingly less to back it with.
Same: We don’t see the issue with this. *sigh*

Change: China owns us.
Same: We’re selling ourselves to China.

Change: Europe is our model for success!
Same: Europe continues to round the toilet bowl of its own flushing.

Change: I’m a libertarian.
Same: My values – the Republican party abandoned them.

Change: Which set of idiots is slowly eroding our liberties and bank accounts.
Same: There being idiots in charge of our nation when they’re clearly idiots and less qualified than a drunken frat-pledge.

Change: Healthcare reform is on its way!
Same: Everybody but the filthy rich and “higher ups” get screwed!

Change: God’s favor
Same: God’s wrath – and the solution to finding one and averting the other.

Repent, Pray, Repeat

It’s my sister’s birthday today – she’s 23.

Tuesday my father has surgery to remove the cancer from his body. I’m not terribly worried but I’m sorry he’ll be uncomfortable for about a week.

I’ve felt better.

When I heard the news that Walter Cronkite died I couldn’t help but think that he was lucky to have not died a tad earlier as his passing would have been buried beneath Jackson’s. I don’t think very highly of him as he was a part of skewing America’s view against the Vietnam war without bothering to mention the cost of withdrawal. What was the cost? America accepted defeat when it was winning, it’s soldiers felt disappointed by their government and citizens, and, most importantly, the South Vietnamese were slaughtered and subjugated because their only help bowed to politics.

Back only a couple years ago our media was trying to turn Iraq into our next Vietnam by merely suggesting it was such. But the surge worked so they had to shut the hell up and focus on the bad economy if they were going to crap on Bush. It doesn’t take a genius to tell what causes the media supports as they’re so blatant about it. Nobody is guiltless when it comes to hypocrisy but our “unbiased” media seems to revel in feeding us processed news and claiming they’re just reporting things as they are.

Part of the reason I blog and love being part of the Xanga community is because I’ll hear news here before it hits any major news networks. I’ll find news straight from the horses mouth and see our government in all its glory – naked and uglier for it. These people aren’t paid to report but they do a better job of reporting what’s going on and giving an educated commentary than 95% or more of the “professional” sources. The “media” doesn’t deserve the title “professional” but they certainly fit the bill for making money off of their chosen field.

And despite all that, we’re the “uneducated” and “biased” bloggers. We’re the ones that the media elite feel and express disdain for. Newsflash: it doesn’t take an education to report what happened – you just open your mouth and make the proper sounds to indicate what happened. You’re a damned parrot – but unlike a parrot you adulterate what you repeat back to us. The reason blogs do a better job of reporting is that they, with obvious exceptions, are educated and motivated by more than money, career, and fame.

I was taught to take anything offered to me with a grain of salt and to separate the wheat from the chaff. But it’s disgusting how much sludge I have to wipe from every major news source before I feel like I’m staring at a kernel of truth. I hate being manipulated and actively rebel against it whenever I sense it. Anyone with a brain and a spine will stiffen their neck when they sense manipulation so the media is either stupid with arrogance or only looking to manipulate those who can’t sense it and look for a guiding hand.

Take a look at both parties in our government – can it be said that either isn’t a slave to its own vices? And to pay deference to their masters they enslave us and play “hot potato” with the blame when they’re all guilty. They at very least corrupt and self-serving if not downright treasonous.

Speak softly and carry a big stick.

I can’t take credit for finding this link…eowynnabeowyn found it. I highly recommend not reading it if epic stupidity offends you or frustrates you as much as it does me. I’m seriously going to find a way to contact these people and yell at them through a letter.

Here’s the link http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0000591.cfm

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0000591.cfm

The second link is a tragedy as well but this one is on “chivalry” – chivalry being in quotes because it’s so far off the historical origin of chivalry I want to go back in time and kill this guy’s history professors because they failed. It’s like trying to grow a giant by feeding a toddler coffee and cigarettes. I’m fairly certain a dog could crap on a piece of paper and it’d be a closer representation of true chivalry than this.

I’ve just come back from kidnapping someone’s dog and I have scientifically proven, through several minutes of yelling till the dog pissed and crapped on the paper, that chivalry is closer to dog excrement than the second link.

Moving on…let me break it down for you. It’s a “Christian” article that’s so ignorant and sexist I can barely contain my embarrassment and anger. It’s unbiblical, it’s unscientific, and it’s crap, crap, poorly written crap!
1) men and women can be just friends without sex becoming involved – to claim otherwise is stupid.
2) none of the Levitical or New Testament laws involve “thou shalt not have friends of the opposite sex – God loves sausage fests”
3) I have plenty of close, female friends who aren’t trying on wedding dresses for the day I finally “wise up” and I have no intention of “making a sexy time with her”.
4) Being emotionally close to a woman doesn’t mean you’re robbing her of her chance to marry someone. You might actually be providing her with the love and support she needs to make a wise rather than desperate and stupid decision – and vice versa.
5) Men aren’t just looking to fuck and women aren’t just looking for emotional fulfillment – both sexes enjoy sex and have emotional needs.
6) We obviously don’t screw and/or marry everyone we’re emotionally close to – unless you’re from the south in which case…you need dental work, a bath, and serious counseling. Serious, serious counseling.

Pa and me both love ma…sexually!

7) People can be attracted to each other and just friends – there’s no need to degrade oneself with becoming “fuck buddies” or “friends with benefits”. If you go that route it’s your choice but it isn’t necessary. You can both like, on an emotional level, and be sexually attracted to someone without sex or marriage becoming involved. We’re humans – not a bunch of damned, dirty apes!

You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

The only differences between a French man and an ape is that the ape doesn’t smell as bad or look as stupid.

8) Chivalry was developed by minstrels to entertain lonely royals during an age where people married to make babies and/or to seal deals – love was not part of the equation. Minstrels, liking having a job, having cute patrons, and not getting skewered by Medieval jocks, wrote about knights who acted honorably and treated women with kindness and consideration. The minstrels created an ideal far from the skull caving, rape accustomed, unbathing, greasy reality that knights lived.

Knights, not being as retarded as their modern comparison, noticed that women liked the yarns the minstrels were spinning and some of them started shaping up. Others kept killing, fucking, and feasting but some developed into honorable warriors who defended the weak and showed mercy in combat. On a somewhat separate note, knights getting killed in battle wasn’t as common as one might think. They were often captured so they could be traded for money or other captured knights. The dying was mostly done by the cannon fodder peasants who were forced into armies at their lord’s whims.

9) Women don’t need men to be chivalrous. Are women incapable of holding doors open for themselves? Of course not – but is it polite to hold the door for anyone? Yes! Being polite to people is a good habit to develop but treating women like they’re fragile and stupid is disgusting. Any man who wants a doormat that can cook needs to be castrated and placed in a tutu for everyone to laugh at.

The women in my life are an absolute joy and a blessing from God. They provide me with a great deal of strength. I’ve only met one woman I’ve ever strongly considered marrying, sadly she chose another, but I wouldn’t trade the friendships I have for sex or marriage because they’ve made me a better person. To see these ridiculous things being fed by Christians to Christians breaks my heart. This isn’t Biblical or sensical and it sends a terrible message of what Biblical relationships and marriage look like. It disgusts and disheartens me. Men and women shouldn’t be robbed of the joy of each others company. A woman with a strong mind, a backbone, and a good heart is beyond amazing and I’m lucky to know many of them.

And obviously I exist so not all men are penises with limbs so don’t be sold on the lie that men and women need to stick to their own or marry. Friendship isn’t the “no sex trap” – it’s what true relationships are made of. And it’s a portion of what good marriages and romantic relationships are.

As a final note, any typos found in this post may have originated with my fingers but their continued existence is the fault of my gnomish editing team and if found they will be tortured and executed. The torture will involve being forced to read the articles I linked above – I may not have to executed them as their brains will probably atrophy or explode before finishing that nonsense.